Ramblings of a Restless Mind

Welcome back, Ramblers previously on ramblings of a Restless Mind.

[00:00:03] Speaker 3: This is probably will be the most meaningful podcast episode that I ever do. She's a Gigi, um, to a wonderful, handsome young man mm-hmm. she is a dog mom.

And, uh, but my favorite title is that she's mom.

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[00:00:26] Speaker 4: I have, I've always said having been in the, you know, labor and delivery with my mom for multiple siblings, that all of these, like high school girls, right? Mm-hmm. That just talk about having children. I think they should just go watch a live birth.

[00:00:43] Speaker 6: Mm-hmm.

[00:00:43] Speaker 4: You go watch a live birth, it is gonna change your mindset. On, uh, not using birth control and going through with it?

[00:00:51] Speaker 6: Yes and no.

[00:00:51] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:00:52] Speaker 6: Yes and no. Because if they get epidurals, like from contraction one

[00:00:57] Speaker 4: mm-hmm.

[00:00:58] Speaker 6: And they really never have to

[00:01:00] Speaker 3: feel,

[00:01:01] Speaker 6: feel all of that. Well, yeah. The actual labor and delivery process can be very, and I'm not saying epidurals are wonderful and I mean, you know, medical technology is amazing for all of that.

Mm-hmm. But, um, I remember one young, um, girl, uh, you know, you just, there's so many different scenarios that you would see, but there was one young, one young girl, I'll never forget her, and her mom was in there with her. And, uh, her contractions started picking up, you know, to where she was getting uncomfortable and her doctor had already written what she could have, IV pain medication, and that she could have an epidural whenever she reached, like.

Three centimeters or whatever Right. Would and um, so when she was getting pretty uncomfortable and really crutching, clutching onto the rail or something, I said, do you want anything for pain? I said, I can get you IV medications or we can go to your epidural. And her mom, because the little girl was like, no, I'm okay.

[00:02:04] Speaker 3: Bless.

[00:02:04] Speaker 6: And her mom's like, no, she is gonna feel what this is like so that she does not do this again until she's older. And I was like,

[00:02:11] Speaker 3: oh shit.

[00:02:12] Speaker 6: Oh, wow.

[00:02:13] Speaker 4: Can't say I don't not support that. Like I, yeah. Um, yeah, that's the, that's the obviously the birth that I would want them to see.

[00:02:22] Speaker 3: Yeah. Right,

[00:02:23] Speaker 6: right. Well, I mean, but, but still the bottom line was, is it was really up to the little girl.

But yeah, I think she had enough, I don't like to call it fear. Mm-hmm. I call it respect for her mother. Mm-hmm. That, um, she chose not to do that. Who,

[00:02:37] Speaker 4: who was gonna be jumping in and doing the. Workload to support her. Right, right.

[00:02:41] Speaker 6: Her mom. Right, right.

[00:02:42] Speaker 4: So I'm

[00:02:43] Speaker 6: sure

[00:02:43] Speaker 4: that there was a like, okay, I'm gonna go in there because otherwise you're not gonna help me.

Yeah.

[00:02:50] Speaker 3: And I'm fucked.

[00:02:51] Speaker 6: Yeah. So I mean, I, yes, I did wanna have children and um, I ended up with two amazing children. Um, I got,

[00:03:00] Speaker 4: I can,

[00:03:00] Speaker 6: a lot of times I can verify

[00:03:01] Speaker 4: this information.

[00:03:01] Speaker 6: A lot of times I think, I feel like I was, I was really lucky 'cause I would listen to some other parents with their kids and I felt like I could trust my kids.

Um, you know, I knew that I did a few things behind my back. Um, not really behind my back, but,

[00:03:17] Speaker 4: oh, I know. I'm pretty sure we've confessed to

[00:03:19] Speaker 3: everything by this point

[00:03:21] Speaker 4: anyway.

[00:03:21] Speaker 3: But

[00:03:21] Speaker 6: yes. And I'm like, yeah, I kind of knew that. But maybe a couple things I didn't listen. But not

[00:03:25] Speaker 4: to parenting is, parenting is just picking battles.

Right. You know, so much. You know, so many things that you've done. But if you come down on them for everything,

[00:03:33] Speaker 6: oh, you can't,

[00:03:34] Speaker 4: right. Then it's just animosity. And you're not gonna win to, there's no lessons being learned

[00:03:39] Speaker 6: you to, but the one thing that you do have to do as a parent, and especially a mom, because I would hear so many people, and living in the single mom world, I would hear people say, well, wait till your dad gets home.

Oh yeah. And I'm like, you can't do that. Mm-hmm. Because they need to respect you as well. It needs to be the mom as well. Mom needs to be able to say, this is,

[00:04:00] Speaker 4: well, that's, that's unfortunate. It's very, very Midwestern as well that patriarchal hierarchical, that the authoritarian and disciplinarian is the father.

Is

[00:04:09] Speaker 6: the father.

[00:04:10] Speaker 4: Yeah. Yes. Right. And so, absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. And, and that. Completely usurps the power structure of the mother.

[00:04:18] Speaker 6: Right, right.

[00:04:19] Speaker 4: Like so. Oh no, that's super, super common. And so, no, I'm, um, I'm very Machiavellian. I desire to be feared as well.

[00:04:28] Speaker 6: I, well, you know, people's like, well, you know, do your kids, are they afraid of you?

And I was like, no. And I said, and also even with my dad, 'cause somebody said one time, well, you know, what would your dad ever do if you got pregnant? I said, I don't know, because I'm not gonna get in that position to find out. And they're like, literally,

I said, I said, seriously. I mean, they're like, are you that afraid there? I said, are you that afraid of him? And I'm like, no, I respect him.

[00:04:59] Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:04:59] Speaker 6: You know? Well, it's like when you don't want,

[00:05:01] Speaker 4: yeah. You don't wanna disappoint him.

[00:05:02] Speaker 6: I don't wanna disappoint him. Right?

[00:05:03] Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah. And that's where, that's where that loss of respect.

In the parent relationship comes in because I could say that I did not care about disappointing my mother because she was endlessly disappointing me.

[00:05:18] Speaker 6: Right. So, and, and I feel that's where it comes from. I think you have to have that respect. Mm-hmm. And I think part of that is, is you have to be able to tell your children, you know, these are the boundaries.

And do I need to explain everything as to why? No, I shouldn't have to. 'cause I remember dad would say, 'cause I said so.

[00:05:36] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

[00:05:37] Speaker 6: But I think that there's a, there's also kind of a line there where you can make it a just a respect thing. Mm-hmm. So that they can understand. Mm-hmm. Especially if they're old enough now.

I mean, if they're, it's, it's a little toddler. It's like, no.

[00:05:51] Speaker 3: Right, right, right.

[00:05:52] Speaker 6: But, but, but the biggest thing is as a parent, which I feel like a lot of times, unfortunately, um, there's no book on parent. There is books on parenting. Yeah. I'm sorry. Anyway, you, there's no

[00:06:05] Speaker 4: manual. They a automatically

[00:06:06] Speaker 6: give you No.

And you don't,

[00:06:07] Speaker 4: it's this then that. No. Yeah.

[00:06:08] Speaker 6: You don't have to take a test to become a parent.

[00:06:11] Speaker 4: No.

[00:06:12] Speaker 6: Um, that kind of thing. And you do learn as you go. We all make mistakes.

[00:06:17] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:06:17] Speaker 6: Um, but you do

[00:06:18] Speaker 4: have to understand that you're a teacher.

[00:06:21] Speaker 6: Right.

[00:06:21] Speaker 4: Because if you, if you choose a parenting style of, well, I'll just do it.

Right. I don't wanna stop to take the time. It's just like I'm in any, any role of management where somebody has to be trained. Right, right. In order to be able to assimilate and to fit in. Right. They're gonna have to learn. Right. You know, and so having, having a relationship of not just, I am teaching you life lessons.

Right. I'm also teaching you how to be your own independent human.

[00:06:46] Speaker 3: Right.

[00:06:47] Speaker 4: And, um, setting, setting healthy boundaries of Yeah. Like you're saying, you know, as a toddler, like no. But as you get older, feel like this is what communication is. I'm, I'm teaching you Right. To talk to you about it. Yes. And then to teach you the why and then to teach you these things that then this is the why of why we do this.

Right. And I think that some, some parents kind of lose the, you gotta, you gotta take the patient a little bit of patient time with the, the learning.

[00:07:12] Speaker 6: I think, I think part of it too is that I, I think unfortunately, especially I've seen it more now, not so much when my kids were young, but I think parents feel like they are supposed to just be friends.

[00:07:25] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:07:25] Speaker 6: Um, and give them everything they want. And

[00:07:29] Speaker 4: it drives me crazy. I get it. Note, uh, you know, corporal punishment, no. Right. Violence is not a lesson, you know? Um, but you can take things away. There are absolutely healthy discipline actions. And that is so true. There are so many people Just feed into the, I don't wanna be conceived as being.

Abusive in any way, shape, or form, right? So I'm gonna overcompensate,

[00:07:58] Speaker 6: right?

[00:07:58] Speaker 4: And I'm going to just give them anything and everything, which makes shit humans,

[00:08:04] Speaker 6: right?

[00:08:04] Speaker 4: Those are the entitled little assholes that will go to the birthday party and destroy shit. Right?

[00:08:11] Speaker 6: But I think, but I think you also have, and I even re, I can give you a perfect example of this.

The kids and I, single mom living in the trailer, I'll never forget it. They came home from school one day and they had these pieces of paper and they had been through, you know, they teach you like, don't let somebody touch you inappropriately, all this kind of stuff. Don't let anybody abuse you. And so Jeremy's like, mom, if we do something wrong, you can't spank us.

And I said,

[00:08:38] Speaker 3: oh, I'm glad Jeremy was a sassy one that time and not me. 'cause it was usually me.

[00:08:42] Speaker 6: He's like, mom, you can't spank us if we do something wrong. And I said, I'm gonna tell you right now, Jeremy and Jennifer be listening, government name. If either one of you does something that you deserve a spanking for, you will get spanked.

And if you wanna call that phone number on that piece of paper mm-hmm. You go right ahead.

[00:09:01] Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:02] Speaker 6: And we'll see, you know? Mm-hmm. I said, no, I'm going to discipline you if you need to be disciplined.

[00:09:08] Speaker 4: Well, and because again, it is, there has to, but there's a, there be a small element of fear though, in parenting.

'cause we have to keep them safe and alive. Right. And just, we got them back in. Right. Because otherwise they're gonna hurt themselves. Right. So there has to be just a little bit And I love that. No, no. The, you left the threat out there. Right. Well, I guess the action wasn't needed. It's just the, just so you understand.

Very, very I mafia style. I appreciate it so much.

[00:09:40] Speaker 3: Well, and I think it was. But Jeremy and I growing up did and still do have an immense amount of respect for you. Mm-hmm. But it's also because you held us accountable. You, if you said, if we did this, this was gonna happen and we did it anyway that happened.

Yeah. And

[00:09:57] Speaker 6: you gotta follow through.

[00:09:58] Speaker 3: I know. And I think now I am, I am about to be one of those people that doesn't have kids. And I'm not trying to tell anybody how to parent, but I, but, but I think that the accountability piece, once you are disciplining a child, has to be. The hardest part. Yeah. Because yeah, it

[00:10:12] Speaker 6: is, it's very

[00:10:13] Speaker 3: hard.

You're, you're angry in that moment, but then that follow through piece there, so whether it's taking something away and a lot of times these days as some sort of a device. Yep. Or grounding or you know, not going to a sleepover, not being able to go to a sleepover, and then you see your child upset and you're after the fact, remove from it.

It's gotta be so hard to stick to that. However it is, mom kind of learned to love it because her house had never been as clean, clean as it was when I was grounded.

[00:10:36] Speaker 4: I'm

[00:10:36] Speaker 6: telling you, I'm telling you, I told, I said,

[00:10:39] Speaker 3: Jen, child

[00:10:39] Speaker 4: labor,

I

[00:10:39] Speaker 3: should ground you more often.

[00:10:41] Speaker 4: I'm all about it. I'm all about child

[00:10:43] Speaker 3: labor. I was trying to lessen my sentence.

Okay. I was trying to mitigate circumstances. Yes.

[00:10:47] Speaker 4: I am also about guilt. I love some guilt in parenting because I'll tell them like, I am being punished as well for you being grounded. Right? I am gonna have to drive your ass around because I had to take away your car. You're making me suffer. Right. There are systemic consequences that I need you.

Like, I have no problem being like. Puts us all out. Do you see what you've done? You've put us all out, don't do it again. Right.

[00:11:16] Speaker 6: Yeah. I guess I, I never would use that, but, but I would feel that. Yeah. I'm like,

[00:11:23] Speaker 4: yeah.

[00:11:23] Speaker 6: You talk to your friends behind the other parents, you're like, oh my gosh, this punishment that I've created here, this is harder on me than is on them.

[00:11:32] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:11:33] Speaker 6: You know?

[00:11:33] Speaker 4: Very, you gotta follow friend. I'm very honest, very honest with my boys. 'cause I'm like, I don't wanna do this. Do you fucking understand? I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna punish you. I'm annoyed that I can't trust you in this moment. Right. And then we have to go through this learning. I understand.

But I want you to know it bothers me.

[00:11:53] Speaker 6: Yeah. Right. Well,

[00:11:54] Speaker 4: so, and

[00:11:54] Speaker 6: I'm being

[00:11:55] Speaker 4: punished too. And I'm being punished too. And so I know that you love me and you don't want me to feel this way. So you're gonna think about that again. And I'll send by kids pictures of like my face. Like,

[00:12:04] Speaker 6: oh my gosh,

[00:12:05] Speaker 4: do you, my picture of me going, Hmm, I can see that.

I can see that.

[00:12:11] Speaker 3: Well, and I mean this could be a whole other podcast episode, but I think in this day and age it has gotta also be so hard whenever you do remove a device or whatever because it is such a culture of immediacy and technology that's Children don't dunno how to entertain themselves without Yeah.

The internet or a game or you know, whatever. At least I could still go in the backyard and I don't know, figure some shit out. You know what I mean? But

[00:12:35] Speaker 4: yeah, I, you don't, it makes me so happy. Like when you see kids on bikes.

[00:12:41] Speaker 6: Yeah.

[00:12:41] Speaker 4: Just doing normal kids stuff because it is having, having been a teacher and like that was, oh shit, a decade plus now ago.

Even then. It was incredibly difficult to disconnect kids from their phones. 'cause parents are giving their kids phones younger and younger and younger. And the tablets, believe me, I know younger and younger and younger I was. And so that's all they know. Some of these kids.

[00:13:04] Speaker 6: Yes. 'cause Jen was very upset with me 'cause she didn't get a cell phone.

[00:13:07] Speaker 3: Listen, I'm triggered. I wanna talk about it. Um, so we, I was talking about this with a friend, uh, not too long ago and we were talking about road trips.

[00:13:15] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:13:15] Speaker 3: And she asked me, she was, because she has an older sister and she was like, God, we used to bicker. Like every time we go on a road trip she like, we would just sit in the back and just fight the whole time.

And she was like, what did you and your brother do? And you guys would go on road trips. And I was like, shit, what did we

[00:13:28] Speaker 4: do? Fucking v family trips singing.

[00:13:30] Speaker 3: Like, just because Jeremy and I, thankfully, like we really like he's been my bestie, like my literal day one bestie. Yeah. And so we didn't really fight tons and I really don't know what we did to entertain ourselves on road trips other than try to find license plates from every state.

[00:13:44] Speaker 6: Yeah. We would play

[00:13:45] Speaker 3: different

[00:13:45] Speaker 6: games. Yeah.

[00:13:46] Speaker 4: Um,

[00:13:47] Speaker 3: um,

[00:13:48] Speaker 4: sing songs.

[00:13:49] Speaker 3: Oh yeah, we would do lot music. Yep. There were a lot of music.

[00:13:52] Speaker 4: How many bottles hit the wall? That's my first question.

[00:13:58] Speaker 3: Oh no. It was very like Journey and Bon Jovi and Jeff Leopard and Prince and Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, circling back, 'cause I don't wanna lose the questions that, um, we have from some of the, the social media folks, but, um, one, I just have to personally say thank you for not ever making me feel judged for me not producing a child so that you could be a grandparent.

Oh, heaven. Now I know that it seems so easy for you because of the person that you are and the relationship that we have, but I can only imagine. Either folks listening or who will listen or, uh, whether on the parent or the child's side either are so scared or hesitant to tell their parent that they don't wanna have children because they feel like it's just expected of them and they don't wanna disappoint them.

Or as a, a parent who maybe their child has told them that and they're like coming to terms with the fact that they may not ever be a grandparent. And that's also gotta be hard. Um, and both are very valid. And two truths can exist at the same time. And so I love to have you here to be able to say like, yeah, like I thought, and granted Jeremy, thank you for taking that pressure off, um, and Eunice.

Um, but you know, to, to have someone sit here and say like. I love my daughter and I would've also loved any children that she had, but thankfully you love your grand pups. Um, and I do. And that you never wanted me to have a kid just for the sake of having a kid. I,

[00:15:24] Speaker 4: I'm gonna, I'm gonna throw an extra thank you in there because of the number of past boyfriends moms that I've had that have just, I mean.

I have known your son's penis for about a week. Okay. Do not put the pressure of procreation immediate. 'cause there are some women that are just on right, on their daughters about you. No, that's the role, right? Yeah. You need to have kids if you don't do that, like something's wrong with you. Well,

[00:15:50] Speaker 6: and I, yeah, I do.

I do think that, um, but I don't think it's, do you think it's still as strong today as it used to be? I mean, I feel like, um, I think that

[00:16:00] Speaker 4: depends on the area that you're

[00:16:02] Speaker 6: in. Massive. That's probably very true. But I, I feel like, you know, and if Jeremy and, and Eunice would've decided that they didn't wanna have children, I would've been totally, you know, I want them to do what they feel comfortable with.

Um,

[00:16:17] Speaker 4: well, and I think there's, there's definitely a move because the, our, um, um, fertility and, um, birth rates. Have dramatically dropped. Like thankfully our teenagers, our children aren't having children.

[00:16:32] Speaker 6: Right, right.

[00:16:33] Speaker 4: Which is

[00:16:33] Speaker 6: much better.

[00:16:34] Speaker 4: Great. Yes. Thank you. As other people are like grossly like saying that there's something wrong with our children no longer having children and they're like, I like, no, no, no.

That's actually a good sign of a healthy society that we're lifting up.

[00:16:47] Speaker 6: Yes.

[00:16:47] Speaker 4: Our young

[00:16:49] Speaker 6: women stuff. Right. You know, if you think way back on time, you know, obviously, um, women were having children at a very young age. Oh yeah. Because as soon as you could, the life, the life expectancy wasn't near as long and you needed them to work on the farms and all that kind of stuff.

So they were having children at a very young age and I think it just kind of continued on like that. Now I do think, I mean, I experienced it, but you know, I've been out of it for a while now. Um, but I mean, you know, it's like, yeah, I'm having my baby younger than my mom did. And I'm like, is that something to be excited about?

[00:17:19] Speaker 4: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:17:20] Speaker 6: But, um, and

[00:17:21] Speaker 4: there's definitely that societal shift now where women are waiting longer,

[00:17:24] Speaker 6: right? Mm-hmm. But I was starting to really see, even before I left labor and delivery that you were getting, I don't, well, we had to call them like geriatric patients, which is I thought was a terrible term for someone.

Yeah, no

[00:17:36] Speaker 4: doubt. Right? Just 'cause she's a woman in her forties,

[00:17:39] Speaker 6: right. And so she's geriatric because she's pregnant. Yeah, it's true though.

[00:17:41] Speaker 4: That's the label you

[00:17:42] Speaker 6: get. Right. But I, I thought we were seeing a lot more of that. Mm-hmm. Which I thought was good. Mm-hmm. You know, that people, I feel like people were getting married later.

Mm-hmm. You know, and

[00:17:53] Speaker 4: I think there was all careers, so much propaganda, because I grew up in a very, very, it was very religious obligation, right? You get married, you have children, or you get married, you have children, work on farm, get married, have children, work in factories, choices. Right. And, um, there, there's definitely a, a movement right.

Of just leaning more towards, uh, that, that healthy choice towards healthy family because we don't have the farms anymore and we don't have the economic ability to support

[00:18:26] Speaker 6: Oh

[00:18:27] Speaker 4: yeah. 10, 12 kids. Mm-hmm. Right. Like, so we, it's, it's a good shift in so many ways. Right. Which is why I appreciate you Right.

Because you are of a different generation and could be saying something so much different to me saying, Hey, why did you gimme 10 gen grandchildren? Exactly. Right. Exactly. That's my point. That's my point. That there's no, this judgment, right. That you should have led a lifestyle that know is no longer applicable.

[00:18:50] Speaker 3: Yeah.

[00:18:50] Speaker 4: You know, like that you allowed her to have her own life. Oh

[00:18:54] Speaker 6: yeah, absolutely.

[00:18:55] Speaker 4: And it's not. You know, always. Yeah. I mean, and

[00:18:57] Speaker 3: that and, and thankfully not just around a family dynamic or having children, not having children, but I mean, in every facet of life, right? Like what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go to college, if I wanted to go to college, you know, religion, you know, like you just always provided.

And again, I don't think I realized at the time growing up when like, you shouldn't wonder why all of Jeremy and I's friends wanted to come over to our house.

[00:19:22] Speaker 5: Yeah. Right.

[00:19:22] Speaker 3: Because. You, I mean, the cool mom, whatever, but cool in the good sense of like, you were still a parental figure to these folks, but you provided such a welcoming home for whoever was walking into it.

There wasn't judgment, there wasn't, they don't look like you, they don't come from the same family as you, you know, like, or you must practice this religion. Like Jeremy and I were very involved in youth group growing up and stuff. And granted, we, you all, we were also raised Methodist, you know, for a bit there, and which is one of the more liberal denominations of Christianity.

Mm-hmm. But then once we started questioning things, you guys were like, you were cool with it. You were like, yes. Learn, make up your own minds. Yeah. Like, you know, and I am so, so grateful for that because it helped me provide that same space for people in my life and for myself, right. And to be confident in, in making those choices.

So I just Thank you.

[00:20:13] Speaker 6: You're welcome.

[00:20:14] Speaker 3: Um,

[00:20:15] Speaker 6: I didn't know I did that much. I wish you kidding me?

[00:20:17] Speaker 3: You did. Well that's all we needed. Um, so. A couple of these. The last one that I have, but then also ties into one of these is around like divorce and like being a single mom. Right. Somebody that responded online whenever I posed the question, asking a mom something.

Um, and they said, so during the period of being a mom going through a divorce and then subsequently being a single mom, what are the top three things that you feel helped your children process their emotions during the divorce and afterwards?

[00:20:47] Speaker 6: Oh wow.

[00:20:48] Speaker 3: Yeah.

[00:20:49] Speaker 6: Uh, what do I think the top three things that helped you guys process it?

[00:20:53] Speaker 3: Yeah.

[00:20:55] Speaker 6: Um, wow, that's a loaded question.

[00:20:58] Speaker 4: Hmm. It's also the way back train. Yeah.

[00:21:02] Speaker 6: It's also,

[00:21:02] Speaker 4: well, and there's no right or

[00:21:04] Speaker 6: wrong answer. I mean, I get that. Um, you know what, I guess a lot of it I felt like was, you know, um. This is just another one of those things that you get dealt in life and we're gonna get through this.

Mm-hmm. Um, day by day it's not gonna be easy, you know? Um, and, but that's life. Um, and I don't know, I, the three things that I helped

[00:21:35] Speaker 3: or that you

[00:21:36] Speaker 6: think helped us process it.

[00:21:38] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:21:39] Speaker 6: Um, I would say, well,

[00:21:43] Speaker 4: clearly you're saying that, that your perseverance

[00:21:45] Speaker 6: I would say that, yes. That it was kind of like, you know, we gotta do this, this is happening, we're gonna make it work.

Um, it's called life. Mm-hmm. Um, and I also would say that I felt like we just really kept communication open.

[00:22:00] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:01] Speaker 6: Um, it was very important to me to let them know, you know, financially that we were 100% strapped, all that kind of stuff. Mm-hmm. And get through it.

[00:22:12] Speaker 3: Not in the weeds of it, but just like. Life is gonna have to change a little

[00:22:17] Speaker 6: bit.

Life is gonna have to change and you know, we're gonna have to move, we're gonna have to anyway. Um, but I would also say that, um, I never felt that it was my place. I was never going to be the parent that because of a divorce, that I wasn't going to, everything was not going to be their dad's fault.

[00:22:40] Speaker 5: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:41] Speaker 6: Um, that I tried very hard, um, to not ever say anything. You know, this is just, this is what happened and this is the way it's gonna be.

[00:22:53] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:54] Speaker 6: Um, so I would just say the respect and I don't know. Hoping that they would keep rolling with me. So I don't know if that's top three things. Oh. But I just felt like we just, communication is probably the biggest one.

[00:23:09] Speaker 3: I say throughout that, I mean, there are our big nuggets there, right? Mm-hmm. Like being honest and straightforward with us. You didn't try to sugarcoat it and cover it up and say, you didn't give us all the nitty gritty of what was going on. Um, but saying like, you know, mom and dad are, and you, you and dad, I remember bringing us, you guys brought us into your room and told us, and I remember how I reacted, which was immediately trying to cry and leaving the house and running up the street to my friend's house.

Um, but you guys let me do that one. One, you knew I was safe, that I was going to a safe place, but that like, you let me have that space to process. But you were straightforward with us and you didn't make any promises that you were gonna work on things and get back together. You know, you didn't do any of that.

Um, you, the communication piece, so being honest and straightforward, communication. And that third part, which I still just and I have bragged about you, and especially after, since working in the divorce field for 10 years, um, you literally, while Jeremy and I were coming up, never said a bad word about dad and dad and I, you know, Jeremy and I both have relationships with dad, so it's not like we're just talking about this person doesn't exist in our lives anymore.

But, um, and you had a lot of reason to, and a lot of reason to, and, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat that because it's the truth. And, um, I saw so many times in clients and in situations working in the family law world that. People just could, they, they could not do that. Like their emotions and everything got the better of them.

And unfortunately then what that starts doing is making the kid the rope and the tug of war. Right. And they feel guilty, or they're getting misinformation, or then they start to have a tarnish relationship with

[00:24:44] Speaker 4: the other parent. The child has become the friend.

[00:24:46] Speaker 3: Yes. That

[00:24:47] Speaker 4: part. The child.

[00:24:48] Speaker 6: I, I just, yeah. I mean, you know, that's their dad.

Yeah.

[00:24:51] Speaker 4: Yeah.

[00:24:52] Speaker 6: I mean, you know, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna take that away. And, um, you know,

[00:24:58] Speaker 4: good for you. My mom did.

[00:24:59] Speaker 6: He gave, he gave me two beautiful children. So, I mean, you know, and,

[00:25:04] Speaker 3: and you know, I, mom never told me, Jeremy didn't either. Um, even though he knew of like the large portions of what the catalyst was for, for you guys getting a divorce.

And so once I found, I finally found out, which you wanted me to find out for myself, you were like, fus gonna tell you it's gonna be your dad. Like, I'm not sharing that information. And once I kind of put the pieces together and figured it out, you know, I, you know, 'cause at that time I was a daddy's little girl and I thought he, you know, hung the moon and you didn't wanna take that away from me, which I appreciate.

Um, now being an adult and having gone through a divorce with similar characteristics, I'm just like, how, how did you, and you know what, the answer honestly boils down that you loved us more than you hated him. And you never lost sight of that. You knew what, what was gonna affect us the most. You were getting to be there with us.

You were there for all of the small moments in life. He made his choices, which he admits that those are the biggest regrets of his life and mistakes that he made. So not saying anything he doesn't know, but like, you were there for all of those pieces. You got our lives, he got big moments. Right. You know what I mean?

[00:26:10] Speaker 6: Right.

[00:26:10] Speaker 3: And so I, and I, I don't know, just for, I, I'm so grateful for Jeremy and I and and to, to have had that experience with you and for you being so fucking strong. Because to do that, and I know sometimes like you don't wanna be strong. You're like, Jesus, I just wanna not have to be strong for a second.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. But then once, fast forward to me, going through a divorce, the first thing that started getting me through it, even though I knew at that moment I wasn't okay that I was hurting, my world was blowing up, I was like, but Mom did it and she did it with two kids. So I'm not okay right now, but I have a really.

Great example of how to get through this and do it with grace and strength and learning and growth and humor. And so I know I'm gonna get there because I had that example and that woman raised me. So that was my guiding light. And I am just unbelievably grateful for that. And I, I, I hope, I'm sure other people in the world have had those experiences and for those that haven't, like, I, I'm sorry.

Listen to this podcast and please just like, hang onto that. I guess, you know,

[00:27:12] Speaker 6: I, I mean, I'm glad that you felt that I was really strong. 'cause you're right. There were times that I was like, oh my God, I, I just wanna be that person that just walks away from everything right now. Mm-hmm. Just, I mean, I'm like, I even said to my sister one time, why do I have to be so damn responsible?

Mm-hmm.

[00:27:29] Speaker 3: Yep. Well, you know, we're grateful that you were. Um, and I will say the same person and then left a comment and just said, as an older woman who has raised three children and still married, I tip my mom a heart to you. A single mom is a very beautiful lioness. Uh, tell her to embrace the wrinkles and the gray hair.

They all have a story.

[00:27:49] Speaker 6: Yes, they do.

Thank you for listening to Ramblings of a Restless Mind, brought to you by NC Estate Solutions. Nothing makes the human mind spiral like the loss of a loved one. What do you do? Who do you contact? What bills have to be paid? What documents need to be collected? When does an estate need to be filed with the government?

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[00:28:49] Speaker 3: last question here, and we'll stop berating you with things unless something, unless de Deja pops up with something else. But, um, this one, she said, I would love to have been able to ask my mom how she dealt with the heartache and sadness.

Um, when me and my sisters left the house, I dealt with it internally with my daughter and I so wish I could have had my mom to talk to her. So, how Now, listen, Jeremy was a late bloomer in leaving home.

[00:29:18] Speaker 6: He was, he was.

[00:29:20] Speaker 3: Jeremy moved out, I think when he was 26. Yeah. And we, but we knew it was gonna take the love of his life.

I love how

[00:29:26] Speaker 4: Yeah. But we knew, we knew.

[00:29:28] Speaker 6: Well, I mean, he just, uh, yeah, I mean. But I mean, he was working and he was, yeah. Oh yeah,

[00:29:34] Speaker 3: yeah.

[00:29:34] Speaker 6: Um, helping me with everything, you know, kind of thing, stuff, anything that I needed him to do. And he did his job. And, um, Jeremy and I had some great times, honestly, watched movies and just 'cause my, um, Steve, my husband is, um, he was working nights at the time and so Jeremy would be like, so mom, I got us a movie to watch when you get home from work tonight that, so you still

[00:29:57] Speaker 3: rented

[00:29:57] Speaker 6: movies, so, yeah.

So yeah. Yeah, we would watch movies and we would have really great conversations and stuff, so, um, I wasn't hating on it. Yeah. That he was living at home. Um, when we took Jen to college, Steve was like, when we left her there. He just let me ride in silence. He just, he's like, I know you're having a really hard time right now, Cheryl.

And he goes, do you wanna stop and get some ice cream or something? Aw. Like, no, it's just, he goes, okay, I'll just let you be.

[00:30:35] Speaker 3: Man. That was a four hour ride home too.

[00:30:37] Speaker 6: Yes, it was. And but I would say even then the, you know, it's hard, but it's also, I just kept trying to tell myself, you know what, we raise our kids to become their own person.

Yeah. And to grow up and do what they wanna do. And so that's happening. So it's another chapter and people would always say, what was your favorite, you know, I don't know, age group of your kids growing up? And I was like, you know what? I honestly enjoyed every stage, you know, and just embraced it as it happened and.

And then it's like, okay, it's the next chapter. Um, you know, we're moving on to the next. So yeah. Granted, when she moved off to college, that was, that was a harder chapter to face. It was exciting to be excited for her and watch her, help her get all of her things together and pack everything up and mm-hmm.

Put her car in the ditch. And, but um, that's how I convinced Steve that she needed a cell phone.

[00:31:41] Speaker 3: Yeah, that's really, I intentionally did it. Yeah,

[00:31:45] Speaker 6: exactly. Exactly. That's

[00:31:46] Speaker 9: funny.

[00:31:47] Speaker 6: But, um, then when I think, how did that happen when you, I think you were going back to college or something and his dad came out when he moved up to his dad's

[00:32:02] Speaker 3: who?

[00:32:03] Speaker 6: Jeremy.

[00:32:03] Speaker 3: Oh, Jeremy.

[00:32:04] Speaker 6: When he moved up to, um,

[00:32:06] Speaker 3: New York or

[00:32:07] Speaker 6: Little bit.

[00:32:07] Speaker 3: Yeah.

[00:32:07] Speaker 6: Yeah. And I think you guys all three got in the moving truck together.

[00:32:11] Speaker 3: Yes.

[00:32:12] Speaker 6: And I was at the house by myself. And I walked up into Jeremy's room with nothing in it. 'cause he took absolutely everything out of the room. And I just remember laying on the carpet and going, woo,

both of my kids are grown now, but, and they're leaving me. But they haven't, they're still there. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[00:32:37] Speaker 3: I mean, I, through all of that, I would say as far as kind of answering the question more directly is just kinda like, let yourself feel the, feels like it's okay

[00:32:44] Speaker 6: to

[00:32:44] Speaker 3: be

[00:32:45] Speaker 6: sad. Yeah. You do.

You have to. I just embrace the really happy times and um, you know, live by all the lessons. And I remember one nurse, I'll never forget it, and I don't even remember, it was before you guys even became teenagers, and she said one of the biggest things you have to remember with your kids is as they get become teenagers and they get older, you have to start loosening those apron strings.

[00:33:11] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

[00:33:12] Speaker 6: You have to, and. I was like, okay, I have to remember that. Yeah. And you do, you just have to trust that the morals that you have instilled in them when they're young mm-hmm. Are going to follow through. Yes. Even though they make, get in trouble, and honestly, we have no control over that 'cause

[00:33:31] Speaker 4: No. And they need to, they will get in trouble.

They will make a mistake. And you know, it's just that you gotta teach them if you teach them all the things that you know. Right. I think that you've done the best that you can. Right. If it's, that's all you

[00:33:44] Speaker 6: can do.

[00:33:44] Speaker 4: Yep. I, but it's, yeah, it's the, okay, I taught you how to take care of yourself. I taught you how to be able to go out and, you know, ask for things in the world.

Right. And I've taught you to be a good and decent person. To treat people with honor and respect, and they're still gonna make mistakes. And they need, everybody needs to,

[00:34:04] Speaker 3: guys,

[00:34:04] Speaker 4: you gotta, you gotta still make a lot

[00:34:06] Speaker 3: of mistakes.

[00:34:06] Speaker 4: Hell yeah, girl. Oh my God. But you, you can't, you insert

[00:34:09] Speaker 3: my dating life.

[00:34:10] Speaker 4: Yeah.

Right. Oh my God. Yeah. Her dating life guys. I wasn't thinking about me. Um, but no, it's a, i I take a great sense of pride that, um, I know that my boys can go out and fight on their own. Yeah. Right. Not necessarily fight, but like, they'll survive. Right. They'll

[00:34:26] Speaker 6: survive. Well, you know, and honestly, I'm just gonna, I mean, I don't know.

I just have wonderful kids. Mm-hmm. I mean, I just feel like Jeremy has turned into such a caring, wonderful man. Oh, he's the bar wonderful man. Mm-hmm. Yes. And wonderful daddy and mm-hmm. Just amazing husband. Mm-hmm. And all that good stuff. And just

[00:34:48] Speaker 4: You're a pretty cool too. Kid

[00:34:49] Speaker 6: cares. Well, I was gonna say, and then Jen, I mean, you know, there's so many ways that I wish.

Even her younger self when I was in college that I was as badass as she was.

[00:35:02] Speaker 3: Ooh, mom just dropped to go swear.

[00:35:05] Speaker 4: Yes, yes.

[00:35:07] Speaker 3: No, I, well I obviously got that strength and the courage to do that because of you. Right. And so I think one, you apparently taught me that, um, having a lot of underwear is the most important thing to have because that's how, that's when I would come.

I knew it was time to come home for laundry, so I didn't have to pay for it in the dorm was whenever I was like, oh, I'm getting real so low on clean undies and time to make the drive down the highway. Four hours.

[00:35:31] Speaker 6: How many pairs of underwear do you have? Yes.

[00:35:34] Speaker 3: Um, no, but then I even. Throughout all of this, the thread has been communication, which is on point, right?

Like in every type of relationship in life. And it, it really boils down to communication. Because I remember even then after coming home for college for like a weekend or whatever, you never were like, well, your curfew, stills applies when, when you're under my roof. Instead, it switched to, Hey, I know that you're off in college now and you're used to doing things on your own and blah, blah, blah, but if you'll just give me the courtesy of letting me know if you're coming home or if you're staying at a friend's house.

And that works wonders because you're not, as a kid, you're like, you're still okay. I'm back. I'm back home. Mm-hmm. Like, I gotta follow all the rules, but you loosened those strings and you understood. I was starting this other phase in my life and giving me the space to still do that without being a tyrant and like, you know, yeah.

Putting the hammer down.

[00:36:20] Speaker 6: It just, and that's why I like, put it right back on the, on her, you know, them, whatever. It's kind of like, it's the guilt, it's no, I mean, I know you don't live under my roof anymore. Mm-hmm. But it's called respect. Like, if I'm gonna be late coming home from work, I'm going to let you know, because

[00:36:35] Speaker 4: I'm

[00:36:35] Speaker 6: gonna worry.

So if you're going, yes. So if you're going to be coming home late

[00:36:40] Speaker 4: mm-hmm. Just gimme a heads up,

[00:36:41] Speaker 6: let me know. Yep, yep. You know that I I will, I will worry.

[00:36:45] Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.

[00:36:45] Speaker 6: So

[00:36:46] Speaker 4: that's it. That's, and, and that's why I say it, a little bit of guilt. 'cause I, I'm just being honest with you. I am gonna worry. I'm gonna sit and I'm gonna fixate on it, and I'm gonna wonder if you're dead.

[00:36:56] Speaker 6: Well, you know, I think I read it somewhere or heard it somewhere or something. You know, once you're a parent. You never stop worrying. Oh, I don't care how old your children are. I mean, ask 'em. I still say, let me know when you get home. Mm-hmm. I wanna know when you get home. I mean, I make

[00:37:09] Speaker 3: her do the same thing now.

[00:37:09] Speaker 4: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:37:10] Speaker 6: Yeah. I mean, it's, it's just, I mean,

[00:37:13] Speaker 4: and that's, that's love.

[00:37:14] Speaker 6: Yeah.

[00:37:15] Speaker 4: You worry because you love, you're thinking about them. And so that I, I think is com completely healthy and for them to, not my boys, to be like, no, just let her know because, you know, she loves us and she worries about us. Right.

She wants to, because she's gonna send me a picture going, she wants to know, yeah.

[00:37:34] Speaker 6: My Fred's been too long. I'm like, Hmm. She forgot. Mm-hmm. Please tell me. I'm gonna trust that you made it home safely.

[00:37:41] Speaker 4: Yes. Yes. Yeah.

[00:37:42] Speaker 3: No, I love it. Well. I don't wanna say I told you so, but I told you. So we've been talking for almost two hours.

[00:37:47] Speaker 4: Yep.

[00:37:48] Speaker 6: Have we really?

[00:37:48] Speaker 4: Yes.

[00:37:48] Speaker 3: Yep. Yep.

[00:37:50] Speaker 4: Boom. What did we say? We said we're just gonna start, we'll be talking and you won't even know.

[00:37:55] Speaker 6: Yeah,

[00:37:56] Speaker 4: I guess so. See, you did an amazing job.

[00:37:58] Speaker 3: There's been a couple of times that I've had like a take your mom to work day in different capacities, like whatever we had going on in life and, um, she always showed up and it was just so, it was so fun because I felt like.

You got to see a peak of like

[00:38:11] Speaker 6: Yeah.

[00:38:11] Speaker 3: What I do in my adult life. And there was one particular time we were at a networking event and you go around and you stand up and you say 30 seconds about like your business or whatever, your little commercial. And then when you're a guest you can, you do it as well.

And so mom came as my guest 'cause I was taking her to the airport afterwards and I was like, mom, but you don't have to stand up and like, say anything. Like, she's gonna be like, I'm retired, you can all suck it. Um, but uh, she, she stood right up and she and I know that you do not feel comfortable in those scenarios.

And I tell you what, my little daughter heart was just so stinking proud of you. And because you're stepping outside your comfort and I think, you know, you being in your wise years, like it is hard to. Do things that I think even more so. Mm-hmm. Like when you're set in your ways or whatever, like Steve, bless his heart, but pop, pop sometimes I think pop, he's older than you are.

You know what I mean? And meanwhile, mom smacked herself, a man that's eight years younger, so Go ahead girlfriend.

[00:39:05] Speaker 6: Yeah. They were like, still

[00:39:06] Speaker 9: got her groove. Fuck.

[00:39:07] Speaker 3: I

[00:39:07] Speaker 9: said, is that what we call it?

[00:39:10] Speaker 3: Hell yeah. Great movie. Now.

[00:39:11] Speaker 6: He's, he's been good. He's, yeah.

[00:39:12] Speaker 3: Yeah. He, he has a pretty phenomenal bonus dad and human being.

Yes. Um, or asja. Calls him ppo. Ppo. But anyway. Well, I just can't thank you enough for stepping outside your comfort zone and joining us today. And I love that I get to have this as an evergreen token of memories of you. Yep. And, um, I'll get emotional if I talk about it anymore, so

[00:39:34] Speaker 4: I love you. Aw, thank you.

I love you guys for being an amazing woman. I love you

[00:39:39] Speaker 3: too.

[00:39:40] Speaker 4: Who made my bestie, who made a wonderful human, who makes my life better? Which means you make my life better. And you've welcomed me into your family and you've given me the view of how the two of you, your children, ended up the way that they are, which is honorable, decent, deeply empathetic people.

I've been around the country, I've seen a lot of people, and not many are as empathetic as your family. And so I, I say thank you for adopting me. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always inviting me. Absolutely. And um, and I'm not the only one. When you have the type of family, that is when American family, an American family is a conglomerate.

An American family is all sort sorts blood, family of all sorts of different kinds of people, and it doesn't mean that you're blood. And I deeply appreciate and respect you and, um, I love to actually have a scientifically, at least what a good mom should look like. So I just wanna, yeah, thank you. Thank you for that.

Because it also then my sons then also get like, having my, I mean, Christmas, the things that I didn't have, being able to be able to expose my sons to what family is, I'm gonna start getting emotional. So, um, with that.

[00:41:03] Speaker 3: Yep.

[00:41:04] Speaker 4: Um, uh, love yourself, be more confident. You're not allowed to put yourself down anymore.

And everybody out there, you know,

[00:41:10] Speaker 6: I, you guys, I, you know, you've, you've made me feel very special, but I guess, you know, I guess I just, I don't know. I really wanted to be a good mom, I guess. It was really important to me because. Lost mine. Yeah. Yeah. And

[00:41:25] Speaker 4: well, you did a damn fine job when

[00:41:27] Speaker 3: Hell yeah, you did.

You you took that damn fine. That's epitome of turning a frown upside down, man. You

[00:41:33] Speaker 6: nailed it. I always kind of hope that, you know, mom would be proud of me.

[00:41:37] Speaker 4: Oh sure. A hundred percent. Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, and I, I, things come back in, right? Karma comes back around and yeah. You, the love that you put out, yeah.

You were rewarded. And let that be a lesson to you, listener, you were out there. The more love you put out into the world, the more rambling that you do, the more you will give back. Love. You

[00:42:02] Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us. I'm ramblings for a restless mind. If tonight's rambling, sparked any ideas, made you laugh or just made you think, we'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 9 1 9 2 9 5 0 5 7 8. That's 9 1 9 2 9 5 0 5 7 8. And your question might get answered on our next episode because chances are you're not alone.

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