Ramblings of a Restless Mind

26 - Ramblings - Bethany Dement, LCMHC, (CST)
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[00:00:00] Bethany Dement: I'll have wives that come in and describe these things when they're talking about maybe having a husband that is addicted to porn.

[00:00:05] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[00:00:06] Bethany Dement: And they'll come in and they'll be like, you're just addicted to sex and this and that and the third. And it, it's not even about that. Yeah. It's not they're getting a connection actually out of watching it. It's a connection that they feel that they're also not getting with their partner a lot of times.

Yeah. And they have a hard time telling their partner, or they felt like they've kind of hit a wall. Well, they've, they talked about it. They've

[00:00:30] Dejah: also leaned into their own fantasy world. It is. 2026, the year of our Lord. 2026 bitches. I'm just kidding. I'm agnostic. I don't care if it's the year of our Lord or not. Yeah. 2026. What up guys? We made it through the holidays. Woo. Happy New Year.

That's a great way to start the year. Let's, let's roll into it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. That. Well, listen, we made it. We're here. Okay. Another one. We're kicking it off. We're gonna see how it goes. That's right. I mean, we had a pretty great 2025, I'm not gonna lie. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. We, we, we love joking about how, where does time go?

'cause we have so much fun. If you look to our other shows, you've heard about our trips to Jamaica and to Colorado. Colorado, yeah. Glamping and all the places. Woe was us. Yeah. So, well, thanks for joining us for another episode as we head into year two of us having shows and recording and all of the fun things.

Yep. Goals. Yeah. And we're gonna talk a bit more about goals, but talk about talk, speaking of goals. And kicking this year off strong with a little spice in your life is we have a sex therapist joining us. Yes. Yes. And I think we could all use a lot of this, whether you wanna admit it to yourself or not.

But you know, unless you are an asexual friend, we appreciate you too. Yes. Yeah. And, but maybe you also need to see a sex therapist to figure that out. Facts. Mm-hmm. You know, I feel like sex is one of those things that most of us like, but also don't talk about enough facts. We don't communicate about enough.

And so we, especially on however you were brought up, or you know, there's a wild host of things that could feed into that. Absolutely. So instead of Deja and I just sitting here rambling about it, we thought we'd bring somebody in that knows a wee bit more than we do. Hashtag shake sex schools and Yes.

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I gave you Miss Bethany. Dement. Okay. Do you go by Bethany or Beth? 'cause I've been calling you Beth.

[00:03:03] Bethany Dement: I go by Beth because when I used to work in retail and people would I tell 'em my name is Bethany. They'd be like the B and the Y and then they'd just call me Brittany.

So it's Brittany bitch. Oh, what? They go, oh my God. Okay. Alright. I can see it's totally

[00:03:17] Dejah: Beth. Okay. Be. I was really hoping you're gonna say Beth. 'cause I was like this whole time I've been calling her not by her preferred name. It's okay. That would've been embarrassing. Yeah.

Good job buddy. Goodness. Anyway, welcome Beth. Hey, insert clapping Joe

[00:03:34] Joe: on it. Almost there.

[00:03:36] Dejah: You can do it there. It's, you know, sometimes you nail it and sometimes you just kind of, I'm proud of you, Joe. Try.

[00:03:46] Joe: That's the name of my sex tape.

[00:03:49] Dejah: Proud of you, Joe. No, sometimes you nail it and sometimes you try. Oh goodness. Alright, so to introduce Beth she is a mental health and. A-A-S-E-C-T certified sex therapist. We're gonna get back to that. 'cause I have questions. That's a lot of letters. Yeah. With nearly four years of experience she works with children, teens, adults, families and couples, including lgbtq plus and ethically, non non-monogamous clients.

And she is also neurodivergent and kink affirming. That's You're awesome. Yeah. No shit. Thank you. You're welcome.

[00:04:29] Bethany Dement: So what are all these letters? The A-A-S-E-C-T, it stands for asec. So basically ASEC is the program that I got certified under. Okay. Essentially.

[00:04:37] Dejah: Okay. Gotcha. Very cool. So, okay. How'd you get? So, I, I gotta, I gotta ask, have you seen couples therapy on HBO?

[00:04:46] Bethany Dement: I have not. I've heard so many good things about it. So many of my questions

[00:04:49] Dejah: are gonna come from that amazing show.

[00:04:51] Bethany Dement: That's fair. That's okay.

[00:04:52] Dejah: Mm-hmm. I feel like I highly recommend It is fantastic.

[00:04:55] Bethany Dement: To be fair, I've probably heard. Just about everything under the sun at this point. I bet, I bet I wouldn't

[00:05:00] Dejah: be given that description of what you cover.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure you do.

[00:05:04] Bethany Dement: Yes.

[00:05:06] Dejah: That's awesome. The name of your practice is Hidden Growth Counseling, which I love. Oh, that is a really good name. Thank you. And. Before we get into all the sexy stuff and hey, maybe that's part of our goals for 2026. Who knows? Since we are here, well, I get to ever have sex again.

Oh, 2026 goals. What? Okay, you do a vision board. What that, what is that vision board gonna look like?

[00:05:31] Jen: Say glow with some jazz hands glow. Because

[00:05:36] Dejah: it

[00:05:36] Jen: might just be these hands, ladies,

[00:05:41] Dejah: Hey, nothing wrong with it. Hey, that's, that's, that's a for sure. Good time. Damn. Straight guaranteed every time disapp appointment there. So, okay. Well, is that it? Is that, is that your goal? Oh, no, but no, we're. Both in a very similar kind of place in our lives post-divorce, looking for a partner, navigating, I'm a little bit older as I'm moving into menopause, so I'm actually in like, the greatest sexual realm of my life and not having a partner is very, very interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I'm excited about this conversation. Yeah. Given, given our, our recent streak of trying to date someone who didn't fall into our physical realm of whom we would like. Yeah. Normally we both tried to do that this year, like expand ourselves out a little bit. And it was a learning experience that, that's not gonna work.

Yep. But we tried we did try, but yeah, it's the whole 20 20, 26 is, I don't even, I just bought myself an engagement ring. I dunno if I'm the best. To set any goals for dating 2026? Buddy, how about you? You know, so I, this is gonna sound sad. I don't have any so I am a big like word person. And like for 2025, my word was buoyant, and that was because I went through a whole career.

Well, I went through an unexpected breakup at the beginning of 2020. Excuse me, 2024. And at that point was like, I'm gonna stop focusing so much on that part of my life and switch to what else, what, what, what else fills up Jen's cup. And so that led me into examining my career and all that kind of stuff anyway, which led to a massive career change.

Mm-hmm. And once I came to those, those realizations and switched, I felt very light. And so I wanted to carry that all throughout 2025. And happy to say that, I mean, not everything has been super light, you know, but I mean, I think about where I was mentally and emotionally. Mm-hmm. This time last year, first of all, I was so stressed.

I'd given notice at my job. I was training the new person you know, all that kinda stuff anyway. And so I, I did stay pretty light. We had a shit ton of fun together. We had fun individually like. It was a great year. And I do feel like I did stay quite light most of the time, so I don't know what my year I, what my word for this year is yet, but maybe I'll figure it out by the end of this episode.

You might inspire me, Beth, let's say. There you go. There you go. Yeah. I hope so. Yeah, I hope so. Yeah, I think, yeah, I mean every, every year ones, I think sexual goals change, evolve as you know. Mm-hmm. Get older to start having it just in general. Actually, you know what I'm gonna be, this is gonna have to, let's just go ahead and preface this.

This episode is going to be, I don't know how much so for Beth, 'cause this is her line of work, but I feel like for Deja this, deja and I, this is gonna be a very vulnerable episode and we were talking about people that we tried dating this year. Mm-hmm. That dish, which couldn't make it happen. And we're like, we love your brain.

But the rest, but ev covers it. We don't, yeah. And I, I tried having sex with this person. In fact, I did have sex with this person, but I had to go to a different place and I really thought that I was in my head and it was a mental thing, and I just kinda needed to push myself over this hurdle because I was just having anxiety because of other things that have happened in my life.

Turns out that wasn't the case. No. It was just an authentic truth. Yeah. Yep. Yep. But again, proud that we did and that was a goal that we, you know, managed this year. We did. We did. So I think for 2026 we can set more. Reasonable goals. Yeah. Ourselves after we have learned these lessons. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We for sure.

I don't know, Beth, do you have any particular 2026 goals, affirmations, intentions, words?

[00:09:32] Bethany Dement: Yes. So my plan is I hope to finally get started on my PhD this year. Oh. Oh. Is what I would like. Oh, very cool. Excellent. Good goal.

[00:09:40] Jen: Good goal.

[00:09:40] Bethany Dement: I've been accepted into the program. I just haven't started yet. Mm. And I'm working out some other things to Congrats.

Hopefully Congrat start that. Thank you. Yeah, that's works. What is your,

[00:09:48] Dejah: if, if you know, like what is your focus as far as research?

[00:09:53] Bethany Dement: So my research actually wants to improve the sex education standards of North Carolina is actually what I would like to do. I have such a great story for that. Oodles I have oodles.

Oh yeah. Yes. So, okay. That's something that I would like to see a big change in. And of course we live in the south, right? Yeah. Oof. Yeah. So obviously that's a challenge within itself. Oh,

[00:10:15] Dejah: just, just trying to get even. 'Cause my story is I used to be a high school science teacher, so of course I taught human anatomy and physiology and I used to give lectures on STDs, right?

Yes. And so, at a high school that I was teaching at, I had my students create poster boards that described STDs. Right. They're going to get them potentially by exposing them to sex. 'cause they're hypersexual type natures. Right. And I had 'em put 'em out in the hallway and they lined my classroom out in the hallway.

And the old white men in the school teaching there lost their fucking minds because how dare we have anything sexual? Mm-hmm. How dare we put anything up Absolutely up about sex, because sex should be shamed. Mm-hmm. And according to their religious beliefs, no one is having it. So, yeah, of course.

Yeah. It was so set. That mission that you're on, I know that uphill battle because it's every county, every school district, and then every individual school and it in the south specifically. Woo. That is tough. But if people actually understood the STD rates. Oh man. If they understood Uhhuh, the rates of just even suicide connected death from young people who don't understand, like they might change their minds, but they'd actually have to be open to considering that sex is a normal and healthy thing.

Absolutely. And Joe, fun fact, we learned a few episodes ago, used to be a, a sex education teacher. Yep. Yep.

[00:11:40] Joe: Super good at it. Go, go listen to the episode.

[00:11:44] Dejah: Mm-hmm. I mean, he's not doing it anymore. Yeah. No. It's so needed. It's so needed. Especially, I mean, my God, we are, we are past people don't understand. One in four people in America have herpes.

They may not know it, but they're carrying it. They have it. And, there's just one. The fact that we have a comeback of syphilis. Syphilis, ugh. Where you rot holes in your fucking skull, your skull falls off. Maybe we should talk about that and not have our kids have their skulls fall

[00:12:16] Bethany Dement: off. 86, 6% of women catch HPV.

Yep. Mm-hmm. Right? Yep. 90% of men catch HPV,

[00:12:24] Dejah: but we can't test for it in men, and we can't give vaccines to women after a certain age for it. Right. And we can't test women until they're 30. Right. Damn. I mean, I got the Gardasil. Gardasil like just came out whenever I

[00:12:36] Bethany Dement: was, I was denied able to get it. Yeah.

Yeah. But even Gardasil doesn't protect you fully. Yeah. Not all the cancers they're coming. Not all the potential they're coming to find, they're coming to find that out.

[00:12:47] Dejah: Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm. It's true. It's true. And it's, it's scary. And it is probably one of the reasons why it's not talked about. Right.

Because it is scary and it's in that shameful realm. But then when you look at what do you wanna run the statistics on, how many people have sex. Right. Mm-hmm. Throw, throw those side by side. Yeah, absolutely. Right. Like when you say have, do you mean actively or in general? Nonself. Okay.

So I kinda wanna take a couple of steps about, first of all, I wish you all well on your goals. Yeah. Thank you. In 2026 and starting your PhD program and for you to have sex, I don't know, have glowing sex with yourself. I know. My wedding night to

[00:13:27] Bethany Dement: myself is going be amazing with, with the engagement ring finger.

That's right. That's right.

[00:13:31] Dejah: But also you're like working to expand your business. Oh yeah. So hopefully all of that will take off. Oh yeah. I'm for you. National this year. Yeah. We're going big. Yeah. Yeah. Hoping kind of the same with I guess it's not my business, but I mean same, we're working on getting GC license.

Mm-hmm. So we can expand a commercial and all that kind stuff. Yep. Just whereas. Seems like it's such a generic term. I don't think that's my word. I don't want that to be my word, but, but yeah, general big things. Yeah. Big things and yeah. You know, personal gratification yes. Would be nice. Little cherry on top of the success.

I'm not asking for much guess. No, no. I'm not asking for a whole lot here. No, no. But yeah, we wish you all well on your goals as well. Now moving on to the juicy stuff. Mm-hmm. So, Beth. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Inquiring minds. Wanna know, at least for me, what got you, like, what made you or catalyzed you into focusing on being a sex therapist besides the entertainment value.

I got you. The stories are amazing. Of course. Of

[00:14:27] Bethany Dement: course. Yeah. I would say part of the reason why I think I got into it was because of my mom. Okay. I grew up in a very sex positive environment.

[00:14:36] Dejah: Okay.

[00:14:37] Bethany Dement: And my mom was very open to talking about sex and was willing to answer any questions I ever had, and that was the one person I knew I could go to about anything.

So she kind of paved the road, I guess you could say, since I was young. And then of course, it's such a fascinating topic and I love dark romance novels. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Right. Yeah. So that was part of it. And I absolutely loved doing couples and those things, but really I just saw that there was a need.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I saw that there was a lack of people who were trained as a specialty. Oh, yeah. I can only imagine the number of marriages

[00:15:18] Dejah: that could be saved. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. If they just went to a sex, I think sex therapist, not even a couple's therapist, if you, 'cause it's men primarily that are refusing to go, like my and my marriage ended because my ex refused to go to therapy with me.

Right? Yes. And so I'm just imagining like, oh hell yeah. Even if you just got them to go just for the sex part. Right?

[00:15:36] Jen: Mm-hmm.

[00:15:36] Dejah: Like you're incorporating so many other things into that session that it would be relationship saving. Mm-hmm. Like, yeah. Yeah.

[00:15:44] Jen: Shout out to Beth. Go see

[00:15:45] Dejah: Beth. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I mean, in full transparency, I think had me and my ex-husband had we.

Gotten into it sooner. Mm-hmm. Like we, we tried, but it was, I think a mechanism to save it at the end. It never un unbeknownst to me, I'm pretty sure he already had one foot out the door, but like, and one penis in another. Yeah. That part that didn't help, help the odds. Nope. Never does. So, had it happened earlier on, very, very much so.

I, I feel like it could have potentially, I'm obviously, I can't say for certain, but one, I love that you had a mom that was sex positive and that was, I know like your mom open about that. Mom, that's amazing. Why did you guys get along? My mom was a labor and delivery nurse, and I say that like, I mean, she's still with us, but like, she retired and she was like, listen, I have delivered an 11 year old's baby.

I mm-hmm. Know that these, and she said, and you know, she was very much just like. Hormones be raging. And if the more, like whether you try to stop kids from having sex, they're still gonna find a way to do it. Like I tried it. You know what I mean? So I also, I lo I think especially in the female space it is so important to have folks like you and other women in, in these kind of positions to help raise the voice of these conversations.

Because you and I actually met kind of at a networking, a women's networking event. Yes. And I just think that's so important because. We as women, you know, we generally were either told what the purpose behind sex is supposed to be. Mm-hmm. Heaven forbid we get pleasure out of it. Holy shit. I know, right?

I know. That it can't be for pleasure. It's only for either pleasuring a man or childbirth. Right? Yeah. So, and it's supposed to be saved for marriage because this is all knowing very delicate little flower that cannot be deeded. You know what I mean? Right. So I just love, I, I really hope that folks like yourself and then others that are in this space to just, to start having these conversations and male, female, whatever you identify as help.

Raise that confidence to have these conversations openly with yourself. Mm-hmm. With others, with your partner, with your friends, whatever it may be, to open this conversation to produce more confidence, to produce more safety, to produce, to produce healthy relationships. Mm-hmm. Yes. To, to produce more pleasure because it's be real about it.

If you're like having, if you're in a sexual relationship with someone and it's not pleasurable, why Exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly. Like, let's figure that out, you know? Yep, yep. Which is usually some fundamental trust issue that's blocking, right? Like, yeah. And I think this is actually great. Kind of segue into when we asked you what you wanted to ramble about and you said how social media is shaping our sexual lives for better or worse.

Oh my god. Because I think social media, the digital age, we spent a lot of time talking with our flirt coach a couple episodes ago about algorithms in the social media space. Mm-hmm. And online dating and all that kind of stuff. And I think to the point of not feeling pleasure, getting pleasure out of sex, because a lot of the education that people are getting is from porn.

Right? Yes. Or from these little snippets of videos or whatever. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. So, mm-hmm. I'm gonna just let you take it away from there. Please.

[00:18:52] Bethany Dement: I mean, we know that that kind of stuff distorts our reality, right? Yep. Even when we talk about smut books, right. Which. All of us women, we love a good, but they're all women written by women.

Absolutely. The good ones are written by women. Yep. Right? Yes. They are the six foot tall men that come in. Right. And they take charge and all the

[00:19:16] Dejah: things. Well, and one, I actually had a guy was. Dating at one point and he asked me, he was like, what is it about like the sm It was a very real question. Yeah.

It wasn't like making fun of me. He was like, what is it about these books that is so satisfying or you know, like addictive or whatever. And I gave it some thought. I was like, besides the obvious descriptives of the men Right. But or fair, whatever description of the sexual gratification of a woman.

Exactly. I was like, they're mostly women authors. And to hear, to read a wo a woman describe a, a female orgasm. Yep, yep. Mm-hmm. Yep. Is something you don't ever really see. And so it is just like, oh, somebody gets it. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. Those three seconds just, I could be, I could be that fairy maiden getting my body Rambo.

Yes. That could be me. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So anyway, so smut books. Yes. Yep. We love 'em. Mm-hmm. Anyway, sorry. Interjection, please go on.

[00:20:08] Bethany Dement: Well, I think it's just that, you know, we want those things. Mm-hmm. Right? We want what's in the smut books. Right. We want the man that's gonna come in, sweep us off our feet. Right.

All the things. Right. And that's just not the reality. Mm-hmm. Well, it's a fantasy. We're reading a fantasy. Absolutely. Absolutely. Right? Yeah. And we're gonna pay more and more and more for it. Mm-hmm. Right? Because it is it's desire in a package. It is. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. That doesn't mean it's real. Right?

Yeah. And so a lot of those things, especially when we talk about porn, ugh. Yeah.

[00:20:43] Dejah: Yeah. The conversations, at least I've been able to have with my sons, explaining to them that porn is not real, that porn is written by men. Absolutely. That does not describe the female orgasm, nor does it describe what a woman actually wants in bed.

Mm-hmm. And that violence is not normal. Mm-hmm. Because there is so much violence, so much sexual violence portrayed in pornography now. It's insane. Mm-hmm. And normalized.

[00:21:07] Bethany Dement: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely.

[00:21:08] Dejah: Terrifying.

[00:21:09] Bethany Dement: And it's, it is, it's a male dominated industry. Mm-hmm. Is basically what it's.

[00:21:16] Dejah: 9% maybe is like lesbian directed maybe?

[00:21:20] Bethany Dement: Yes. Yes. Like I will say that like, you can get better selections when you talk about ethical porn. Mm-hmm. Right. Imagine that. Yeah, I know, right? How about that? How, how, how about we actually make it ethical? But I would say that some of those selections are better for couples that do just want to do it just to spice things up, just to watch it together.

Mm-hmm. And those things, you're gonna, you're gonna find a better selection. Mm-hmm. Right? And it's gonna look a little bit more realistic. Than your normal male dominated porn. Right. Right. When you get the blonde up there and the big boobs and the, and the BL and all the things. Right. And she's just bouncing up and down and just going about it.

Right. Acting like she's having the time of her life and feeling all the great things. Yeah. Right. And it's, it's just a show. Yeah.

[00:22:06] Dejah: Mm-hmm. Yeah. But a lot of times people, I would, I would say I, 'cause like I know what you're talking about in the ethical pornography because it incorporates a sense of the fantasy

[00:22:15] Bethany Dement: Yes, absolutely.

That we're talking about.

[00:22:16] Dejah: Right. The romance, the fantasy from the story. 'cause that's what we're fucking looking for. Yes,

[00:22:22] Bethany Dement: yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And the other part too, it is too, is right, so like when you mention that fantasy, right? Mm-hmm. A lot of people think, especially in terms of when it comes to men and porn, okay.

That obviously men tend to be a little bit more visual.

[00:22:39] Dejah: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[00:22:40] Bethany Dement: Right. That kind of thing. And they'll talk about it in a way of like, well, you just want sex, this and that. And the third, I'll have wives that come in and describe these things when they're talking about maybe having a husband that is addicted to porn.

[00:22:52] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[00:22:53] Bethany Dement: And they'll come in and they'll be like, you're just addicted to sex and this and that and the third. And it, it's not even about that. Yeah. It's not they're getting a connection actually out of watching it. It's a connection that they feel that they're also not getting with their partner a lot of times.

Yeah. And they have a hard time telling their partner, or they felt like they've kind of hit a wall. Well, they've, they talked about it. They've

[00:23:17] Dejah: also leaned into their own fantasy world. Absolutely. Right. And leaned away from their marriage. Absolutely. And communication with the partner. I was about to say, I was gonna say the communication be, but they might not even, I don't wanna say that they're.

You know, ignorant to the fact, but like even recognize that they're getting that connection piece, right? Yes. Yeah. 'cause there's so much shame. Of course, it's around sex. So even a married couple can't have an open and honest, honest conversation about their own fantasies. She's over here reading smut books, he's over here addicted to porn.

They could be having a great time. Right? Absolutely. But they're not talking to each other. Correct. Yeah.

[00:23:49] Bethany Dement: No. Yeah. Yep. No, and it's, and it's such a shame mm-hmm. That you kind of see that dynamic happen and you see them grow apart. Yep. No, I know those couples,

[00:23:58] Dejah: right? Like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and it's interesting bringing up the visual piece for, for men.

I think that's a well known fact. Joe, are you a visual character?

[00:24:07] Joe: Yeah, I'm a dude. Okay.

[00:24:09] Dejah: Just, just wanna make sure you're still alive over there. Yep, yep. So with, I was dating someone and we were talking about masturbation, which is just a whole other topic because it's like masturbation in this, in society is only supposed to be for men know.

And I'm, wait, hold on. Wait. What? But he was like, well, what do you watch? Or like, what do you turn on? Whenever you masturbate. And I was like, they assume that you have to turn on something. I was like, nothing. I turn off the, they assume you have to have a visual. They don't understand. We don't actually need that shit.

No, I mean, I mean, if it's, if that, if you do enjoy that or whatever as a female, cool. Like have that. But I was just like the assumption of like, well, what do you watch? You do that? And I was like, not a damn thing. Like, no, I set the mood for slowly. That's right. Slowly the lights go down low, slowly feel myself.

The music going. Yes. I don't wanna see shit. I wanna feel it all. You know what I Yes. I, it is a very, very different concepts man. It's true. True. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But so, so I guess maybe this is just me being removed from, because you said how social media is sa shaping our sexual lives. So aside from porn.

What is it about social media that you're, you're referring to there as far as playing a role in our sexual lives?

[00:25:20] Bethany Dement: Body image issues.

[00:25:22] Dejah: Oh, yeah.

[00:25:22] Bethany Dement: Check, check. A lot of us compare ourselves to the blonde that's on camera. Check. Check or brunette or redhead. Like

[00:25:28] Dejah: they, they all have the things they all, they all do.

[00:25:31] Bethany Dement: They all do what you mainly see the they somehow, how always have

[00:25:33] Dejah: the thing that we don't have. Absolutely. Right. That's what we hold against ourselves.

[00:25:37] Bethany Dement: Mm-hmm.

[00:25:38] Dejah: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:25:39] Bethany Dement: And you know, also we do that not just around sex. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. Right. We compare our lives to other people. Mm-hmm. Right. And it's just also not the reality.

And people don't realize that when they're looking at it every day, that it's just, it could be someone that's not how they live.

[00:25:56] Dejah: Yeah. Yep. Yep. No, it's, it's, it's so interesting the online persona mm-hmm. And the reality, right? Mm-hmm. Of the individual and the, the psychological cross of what we're portraying online versus our individual lives, and then crossing over into.

Dating. Yes. Right? Yes. And I can see how that cross section of someone who is, say potentially a little bit on fallacy side in their online lives. Mm-hmm. Right? And then you're in your real life, you have a lot of. Probably anxiety. Mm-hmm. Right. You're probably not as naturally open. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden you hit a wall when you try to have a healthy relationship because you have a false identity.

Correct. Like, it's fascinating to me 'cause I have no social online presence whatsoever, so I just look out from the side under my rock. I peek up from my rock. This, this, this picture picture right here on the I know that's me peeking listeners, me peeking up. You can't see this, but like on our, the logo graphic for our podcast, you, the way that it displays in the studio is you can only see like nose or eyes up.

Me and Deja. I'm literally peeking literal. That is, that is as much as you get. Well, they see your full face, like online. I just can't tag you in anything because Yeah. It's

[00:27:06] Joe: Wilson from

[00:27:07] Dejah: Home Improvement. Yes, yes, yes. I'm, oh my

[00:27:10] Jen: God, I'm Wilson. That's amazing. Yeah.

[00:27:12] Dejah: Yeah. No, but I'm, I like How often does does that come up in session?

That people are spending so much time in their online lives that they're taking away from their relationship. Right. Which of course, is gonna diminish any type of sexual activity in a relationship if you have an online life. Right. And an addiction to that

[00:27:34] Bethany Dement: life. So my specialty is neurodivergent couples.

And what do people do with a DH? Adhd. Mm-hmm. A lot of times. Mm-hmm. You see them gaming. Mm-hmm. Or on their phones. Yep. And they're constantly looking at them. And so like I'll hear often partners come in and they're like, you're always on your phone. Mm-hmm. You're always on it. I can't talk to you. And it's just like, that's how we start people.

We have to start talking. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're not gonna get anywhere. Yep. Yeah. And so I'll often have people come in and they're just constantly either on their phones or they're worried about their kids and doing all the things. And that's another thing too, is like, it's huge, especially when we talk about teens and things like that, because then I have five year olds.

Their parents bring their five year olds in and say, Hey, my kids saw something that they shouldn't have seen. 'cause they pushed a button. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And their parents are in tears. Oh yeah. I bet they're some scary shit out there. Yeah. They don't know what to do. Yeah. They're like, my kids stumbled upon rape porn.

Like, what am I supposed to do? What am IS, what am I supposed to tell them? And it's like, well, we gotta have some hard conversations.

[00:28:46] Dejah: Mm-hmm. And maybe pass some laws and follow Australia. That doesn't allow anyone under the age of 13 Yes. To fucking be on social media. Maybe we should protect our children.

I, I'm just gonna throw that out. It used to be that way when Facebook first started, you had to be affiliated with a college to have a Facebook profile. Our internet laws are established in 1998 and have not been updated since then. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah. We don't protect our kids because that's absolutely true.

That's not uncommon. As a teacher, I would see and hear that shit. I obviously, the kids would pull up porn. In school.

[00:29:16] Bethany Dement: Yes, they do. Right. So I would have

[00:29:18] Dejah: to have these conversations. Yes. Those very same. Oh yeah. Guys, that's not real. And also what you're watching is a horrible depiction.

[00:29:27] Bethany Dement: Yes.

[00:29:28] Dejah: Awesome. Of treatment of another human being.

I would not advise continuing to watch that kind of thing. It's not real. And obviously have to tell the counselor. Right. Yeah. You got like, well, the thing is too is, I mean, going back to your point of, of like, I guess ethical porn mm-hmm. Because I'm just like, why I'm not here to k sh king shame anyone or yuck, you're yum.

Right. But like. Rape should not be a kink. And it's unfortunate that other parts of our society have made it to where it, it

[00:29:58] Jen: men

[00:29:58] Dejah: is people's kink. Mm-hmm. Right. And in a, in a distorted reality, I could even see where maybe even a female has convinced herself that it's a kink because of things she's been through or correct things.

How, the way that she's been like brainwashed to a certain extent, like childhood grooming will do that to a lot of girls. They believe that that's part of what should happen to them. Yeah. I mean, like, they don't know what normal sex is. You gotta be blindfolded, you want it to be strapped to the wall, you wanna plug things, you wanna clip things like whatev get your 50 shades gray on.

Right. Whatever your concern shit is. Great. But the biggest thing, one of the biggest things about that movie was consent. Correct. For all of the kinks. That is correct. Mr. Had like, there, there was never a question of consent as soon, you know, and having a safe word or whatever. Anyway, so the fact that, that, that rape porn is even a thing is just, just makes my blood.

I was fully fine, honest, and transparent world. I've had more than one man just start strangling. See, that's not right. Just start fucking strangling me. No conversation, no consent. Just let's fucking murder you and be like, Hey, guy, well like fuck, get the fuck off me. Get the fuck off me. Get the fuck outta my fucking house.

Like, what? What's wrong? I thought that's what women liked. Really? Really? You thought That's Without asking me, you thought Yeah. Replicating my murder. Yeah. Right. Was going to moisten me. Yeah. Really. No. Yeah. So yes, that is real. Yeah. They really think that. And also, I mean, oh my God, just the stereotypes like dating black men and having them think that all I want them for is anal.

Stereotypes from porn. Yeah. It's not real. It's not fucking real, but they really believe it's real. Ugh. Right. Like so there Yeah. There's a lot of twist and manipulation in our society around sex that is not healthy. Mm-hmm. And that's what our kids are seeing in this endless perpetuation of toxic sex.

Yes. And not learning conversations about what healthy sex is and, but consent. Yeah. I mean, it really just boils down to the communication piece again. Mm-hmm. Because like, I know edging, you know, is a thing. Like there's these different things within the sexual realm that people have their preferences or find out that they really enjoy this or whatnot.

But it goes again down to the com boils down to the communication piece of having this open dialogue of like, Hey, I was thinking about maybe trying this and this is what it, would you be down for that. Trying. Mm-hmm. And if you, we get into it and you're like, Nope, it's not for me, then we stop. You know what I mean?

Right. But those conversations don't happen. Like, I'm not gonna say they never happen because. Hopefully other people have gone to therapy or some people have just had great examples set for them, but good parents. One of the two. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But you know, I mean, and I'll even say like, as you know, how much I love my mom, and even though she was very open about the risks about sex, and she was very open about like, Hey, come and talk to me about anything.

If you start having sex or you're starting to explore things, like, come talk to me. There were all, it wasn't around like. The openness of different sexual things, right? Mm-hmm. So to speak, you know what I mean? Like, we weren't having conversations about like, well, how should I hold my leg for, you know, like we're those kind of conversations.

Yeah. Yeah. But she just never, she always wanted us to be, feel comfortable coming and talking to her about things, which I'm very grateful for. But then whenever you get into the, you start having sex, and then you do have all these things that you're exposed to, whether it be via porn or you go to a, you know, Adam and Eves mm-hmm.

Or some other sort of like, store with your partner, which can be a very, well, that can be fun as hell Aphrodisiac. Yep. Kind of experience with your partner is to go to a store like that and like shop for something together to try like, it's those kind of, that, that stuff's just not talked about, but that's healthy communication.

Exactly. Yeah. But it's just not, yeah. Because that's trust building. Yeah. If you're gonna try shit, you gotta build trust first. Yeah. And that's something unfortunately a lot of men don't understand. They just expect that all of these things are in a package deal. Yeah. She said Yes. That means I get to do whatever the fuck I want to her body.

Yeah. Like I don't have to talk to her about it. I can just do it and shove whatever, wherever. It's a bizarre ass. Hey, it's 2025. Can we just talk about sex first? Like I, yeah. And actually not talk, not text. No. But I have it a legitimate con and I've been really, since I post divorce and dating, I will have that open conversation every time before I have sex with somebody because That's sweet.

You should be able to do. Yeah. Be like, if you decide to simulate my murder, I'm gonna kill you. Self-defense. Yeah. Like if, if like, there's no reason to be doing that. I'm gonna tell you what I like, what I don't like, and we'll talk about it in the interim, but yeah. Well, and on that note in the communication piece, like I feel like whenever that conversation has been opened up, then it also gets into, you know, like what are some things that you do really enjoy?

Yeah. Like if you're having that conversation, which is great, but, and I guarantee my partner has a much better time because we've had that conversation. I've asked what he likes to, but my point is just because I'm telling you this now doesn't mean this is happening now. Right. Like, there's gotta be some trust.

It's gotta be built up some experiences that need to happen, like before we get to, to that level mm-hmm. Of, of exploration, so to speak. Because I only found those things out that I liked them because I was with someone for a long time, you know, build trust and then tried. Yes, yes, yes. I don't, I don't think understand that that.

If they put in that effort of trust building, what they will get out of it Yes. Is 1000 time fold. They are looking for that in, we talked about this with that dating coach, the instant gratification of things and not putting in the effort. And that dating is that, well I just gotta get my dick in her. But what they really want is actually a long-term relationship.

Mm-hmm. It's not just about that instant gratification sexual aspect. And if they took the time to have a partner and not just a sexual experience, they'd actually have gratifying sex. This begs the question, from your perspective, heterosexual versus same sex couples, specifically lesbian couples. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Do you find or has it been your experience that, that they, compared to heterosexual couples, that may be, 'cause I'm just thinking of females and you know, we generally like to flapper gums a lot that they communicate better or more openly about discovering these things. Or even more open to the discussion around it.

Right.

[00:36:08] Bethany Dement: I would say a lot of times the communication is a little bit better but you still, you still do see certain things, especially if obviously if any of 'em experience trauma. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Those kind of things like that, sometimes that's in the presence. Right. It's in the room. Yeah. But I would say communication and the level of emotional connection mm-hmm.

Is usually, well, trust building is a little

[00:36:36] Dejah: quicker Yes. In my, in my experience, but yeah. And in any lesbian friends and couples that I've, yeah, it just seemed like, yeah, there was a little bit more mm-hmm. Leaning into the, the comfort and care of the other. A little bit, a little bit more, a little bit quicker, but no comp.

It's ab. I've also had friends and just in my personal, like no, it is still hard no matter what, if you've had sexual trauma. Yes, yes. It doesn't matter what you're into. Yes. Yeah. That's going to carry forward. Yes. Like, so yeah, because as I was thinking about this, like, man, my own relationships and lesbian, gay friends, I'm like, no, everybody's fucked.

No. Like every, everybody's right. Like everybody's carrying their own shit. Like it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, like no. But yeah, I can see us two as women, we're more ready to have empathy for the other. Yeah. I think like little scotch more than the old hetero dudes, but yeah. Yeah. So, so kind of switching gears to infidelity.

Mm,

[00:37:36] Bethany Dement: mm-hmm.

[00:37:36] Dejah: Lot of people experience infidelity. Interesting. Yep. Yep. So I a different podcast I was a part of, they, we we had a guest on talking about infidelity, and she was like, I do think that couples can come back from infidelity, but a lot of times the reason why there isn't infidelity and, and the, this particular therapist was like, whether it is, you know, an addiction of like gambling or some, some outside source that they lean to.

Mm-hmm. But we were talking specifically about illicit sexual behavior that, how. That is because there's something that, that's lacking at home that they're not, or, or that something that is lacking that keep preventing them from speaking with their with their partner about it. And so they seek a different source of validation whether they, even, whether it's even sexual that they're lacking at home.

Mm-hmm. They get this attention, this validation, this need. They feel this void being filled or met outside there. And so she's like, I do think that couples can come back from infidelity. It obviously just takes an immense amount of work and communication and understanding and patience and like all these things.

And so specifically as a sex focused therapist with, with couples and, and working through infidelity, what is your stance on that? Or like what do you see or all of the things

[00:38:57] Bethany Dement: it can happen. You can survive infidelity. It is extremely, extremely hard. In fact, I had a couple, there was a last session this week.

It took years. They've been with me for years, but they've overcome in strides. Like it's so, it's so hard. It's so hard because automatically the partner, right, the partner that is cheating, right? When it comes out and all the stuff happens, usually the other partner says, well, why am I not good enough?

[00:39:32] Dejah: What

[00:39:33] Bethany Dement: is wrong with me in the inside? And sometimes it's not about that person. It's not even sometimes about the lack of sex. Sometimes it's about the partner questioning their sexual identity. I've had that come up.

[00:39:47] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[00:39:48] Bethany Dement: Right? Bits and pieces. Or sometimes start watching porn and see something. Then they're like, Ooh, this is something that piques my interest.

My partner, I've never seen them have any interest in anything like this. So sometimes it's a matter of branching out into the kink world. Mm-hmm. And so. Infidelity comes from a lot of different pieces. It's not just one quick thing that causes it. Sure. Yeah. So a lot of times though, that's what happens.

It takes a lot of groundwork. What ha the hardest part is, is being able to talk about the infidelity and your partner just being able to sit there and listen. Hmm. And hear it,

[00:40:29] Dejah: it's like crazy. Thinking about the number of people that I've known that have been cheated on, myself included present company included.

It did have nothing to do with me or them. 100%. It was the person just loved the fucking throw the chase, right? Mm-hmm. The person just mm-hmm. Oh, super stressed at work or whatever. Yes. And just like mm-hmm. Put that energy into that, whatever. It literally had nothing to do with their partner. However, it is impossible to separate yourself as the person being cheated on that somehow you weren't.

Part of the problem in the right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[00:41:07] Jen: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I mean, whew. That's tough.

[00:42:06] Dejah: So in scenarios like I swear I could talk about this for days in scenarios where w with infidelity, the scenario you just, you just mentioned of maybe somebody is ex sexual exploration of mm-hmm.

A kink or trying something new and they step outside the relationship. I'm not even gonna say marriage, because you can be in a very mm-hmm. Happy com or let's hope, happy, committed partnership, right? Yes. But anyway, so if they step outside that to explore something, do you think. Have you seen, in your opinion?

Okay. Is it because it is easier? It's almost like it's a different version. I don't wanna say a different version of that person, but it's easier to explore that with someone new than to have this vulnerable, open conversation with their partner. Where your partner. Your partner. Yeah. This partner's known me to be this person.

Mm-hmm. For so long, I feel shameful bringing this new Yeah. Different thing. So I'm gonna try it with somebody else instead of them. Yes. And the fact that, that th that. Like that hurts my heart for that person. Not only the partner that's being, that has infidelity, you know, happened to them, but like that hurts my heart for that person because I'm just like, you're risking so much to pursue this because you don't feel like what's going on as to why you don't feel that you can bring that up to your partner of X amount of years.

Right. That you'd rather risk divorce to losing it. Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then

[00:43:25] Bethany Dement: you look at the other end of that as saying, okay, well what if I'm the person that has vocalized so many times too. Mm-hmm. Right. I've tried to bring up this subject. I've tried to talk about it, but my partner is just like, we get nowhere.

Whether it's shutting down, whether it's their stonewalling. Yeah. All those things.

[00:43:40] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[00:43:40] Bethany Dement: Or they just also criticize them. Like, why would you be into something like that? That don't make any sense. That's gross. Yeah. Well, that's probably not your partner. Exactly. Exactly. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I

[00:43:53] Dejah: think that's the thing too, like after working in family law for so many years, like, you know, we there as a society, like we put so much tarnish on divorce.

Mm-hmm. And having gone through it like it sucks, don't get me wrong, like it truly does. But at one point me and my ex were best friends. Like some of the best memories I have of my life and Will and will have, are shared with him. And I will never discredit that or take that away. Absolutely. But in the sexual realm, I'm a very open book person.

But like there were some sexual things that came up that I found out about at the very end as our relationship was already tumbling very quickly downhill. And so I, at this time, I was a little blindsided by some of it. And so I was just, I was trying to do everything I could to salvage things because like this was my person.

Right, right. But by that point, I, as I was trying to bring it up and be open to these conversations of different things. My partner, like, or my former partner, he would like, or husband, like he, he kind of turned into this boyish, like, I know I mentioned that I wanted these things, but now I'm gonna shut down and not talk about 'em.

And so I was in this impossible position of mm-hmm. I'm trying to have an open conversation with you and explore these things and be the partner that I, that I want to be and who I feel like you also need. But you're making it impossible to do that because you're not op. You say you want this, but you're not doing anything to indicate you truly do

[00:45:12] Jen: not.

'cause somebody else was already filling that need and he felt embarrassed that you were bringing it up

[00:45:17] Dejah: or possibly that point, I'm gonna sit my bourbon checking out. Correct. I already checked out is my mm-hmm. Feeling on that one? Yep. Yep. I, I've, oh god, I know exactly that boyish. Yeah. That uncomfortable.

I don't wanna talk about like, you are a grown man. We have done some freaky fucking shit, and all of a sudden you're 10. Mm-hmm. Like, what? What is this? Nope. Something's up. Sums up. Mm-hmm. Something's up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I don't know. There's that. Here's an idea. Don't fucking cheat if you feel like stepping out.

Mention it. Yeah. That's, it's it. Have a conversation. That's right. Yeah. Sorry. Well, oh, heaven forbid. Well, but, and there's two sides to that, right? Like, one, it takes that person the courage to bring that up, but then two, it also takes a partner who's understanding of like, okay, you're coming to me before you acted on this and not feel some kind of way about it, right?

Mm-hmm. Yes. To that end, do you feel, have you seen successful open marriages? You guys didn't see your face, but

[00:46:17] Bethany Dement: loaded question. That is a loaded question. I think I, I think I gave you an answer to it. More people, more problems. That's the slogan. Yeah. You did put that on 'em. More people, more problems.

What we should ramble about as well. Yeah. So. There's definitely poly relationships that are successful. Okay. However, long term y Yes. Some, yeah, some, some. I would say that you, you gotta have a FA foundation. A lot of the people that come to see me, typically it's when they've already kind of stepped outside the marriage and then they're like, oh my God, we have so much anxiety, so much more, and I don't know what to do.

Mm. Because we are just, we, we we're feeling jealous. We're experiencing all these things and I just don't know. And that's kind of what I get, is I get the aftermath. Mm-hmm. Right. And it's super, I'm sure that's pretty most

[00:47:08] Dejah: therapists, couple therapy, sex, it's all in the end where shit's falling apart. Yes.

Right? Yes. That's when you come in to have help us put us back together. Yeah. Literally, literally, literally. Yes. Yes.

[00:47:20] Bethany Dement: And so I think. It's super hard. You just, you need a strong foundation. Mm-hmm.

[00:47:27] Dejah: And I would say, like, again, the communication piece and boundaries. Absolutely. I personally know that I could not do it.

Mm-hmm. I, I couldn't do it.

[00:47:34] Bethany Dement: And not everybody I think is, it's not for them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[00:47:38] Dejah: And, and for those that ma that can make it work. And I guess the only side that I saw of it, and I brought this question up because again, from my time in family law, like we, we saw clients that came in that had tried open marriages.

Mm-hmm. And mm-hmm. Listen, there was like, there was this one that was just a fucking movie, like same neighborhood and just, and that always happens. And you know, so they were Swapsies, tradesies, swinger, HOA. Yeah. Right.

[00:48:05] Bethany Dement: Dump the pineapples on the door, right. Everybody. Yep.

[00:48:08] Dejah: Yep. Everybody caught fuel for the person, the other partner in the situation.

And then. Both females in each relationship got pregnant by the men in the other, yes. Oh God. That's a daytime travel right there. I told you. I told you. And so, I mean, for the firm it was like a twofer, you know what I mean? But like mm-hmm. But this, that's where I'm just, and so we, I was asking the attorneys, I was like, do you think, and this was around the time, this will date myself a little bit, around the time that the whole Will Smith was it Will Smith, Chris Rock, Jada Pink Smith Bitch Slap around the world?

Yes. Literally. So that brought up, because I think Will Smith and Jada Pink at Smith, they've kind of been in the public eye about open Mar or Yeah. An open marriage and stuff. If, if it is true for them, like who knows. Right. Right. You know, the world according to the media. But so that's what we were talking about.

And the attorneys, of course, they went very attorney. Were like, I mean, if you put it in a contract Sure. I guess if you could put in their stipulations of like, we agree to this, we don't agree to this. Mm-hmm. You know, if this doesn't, if somebody breaks this and they were like, technically it could be like a breach, breach of contract or act as like a Yeah.

I don't wanna say a prenup, but kind of like in that realm. Like a healthy conversation beforehand though. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. I, I feel like one of the deal breakers would be if you get pregnant by the person in the other marriage, I probably a deal breaker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That crazy stuff.

Stuff a lot crazy. Yeah, I know. And I just keep up with picking a bunch things. My dogs steal and eat. I can't imagine trying to follow on my fucking spouse and who their what? And the pineapple on the neighbors next door porch. Like, I dunno what's

[00:49:43] Bethany Dement: up. But yeah, literally I don't have time for that. No, no.

[00:49:47] Dejah: That just sounds like a volumous amount of emotional stress. Absolutely. That just sounds crazy to me. Yeah, it's hard enough dedicating yourself to, to one person and trying to know and benefit that one person.

[00:50:01] Bethany Dement: Shit. You can, you can, damn, you can dedicate it to one person. I can't even hardly take care of myself, which it is.

I know, right? I know. Like, that's, that's hard

[00:50:08] Dejah: enough. Yep. My household then thinking about flipping, flapping and like, oh God, spit a swapping and you wanna talk about calling the wrong person the wrong name. Holy shit. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ugh. What do you, what would you, what, what do you feel maybe is your biggest I don't wanna say issue, but the toughest thing about being a sex therapist?

Not to, but you in the hot seat, but we're here, so, and it's hot in this room, so, yeah. My

[00:50:38] Bethany Dement: gosh. Phew. The couples that won't hear each other out, no matter what. The ones that just completely stonewall and just, they do all the things, whether it's they criticize, there's contentment, there's defensiveness and their stonewalling, right?

'cause those are the four types of communication styles,

[00:50:58] Dejah: right? Mm-hmm.

[00:50:59] Bethany Dement: That we talk about that bring problems in the room with couples. And so really that is probably the hardest just to get them to hear each other out. And it's like, damn. It's like, what the hell do I have to say? Like, I feel like I've gotta have the million dollar sentence

[00:51:17] Dejah: that's

[00:51:18] Bethany Dement: literally just gonna get them to hear me.

[00:51:20] Dejah: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Sometimes it's like, I wish you could just record them and then play it back for them so they could hear themselves and the way that they talk to each other or don't talk to each other. I've thought about that. Which is why the

[00:51:31] Jen: show on HBO

[00:51:32] Dejah: is fascinating. Yes. Okay. And if you, 'cause you could go back and watch yourself learn.

Or not learn what you should have learned. Yes. Right. And not heard from your partner. Yes. And yeah. Interesting. Fascinating.

[00:51:45] Bethany Dement: Oh, I love it. So there is one particular lady, her name is Esther Perel.

[00:51:50] Dejah: Oh, I love Esther. And I love, I she's French, right?

[00:51:53] Bethany Dement: Yes.

[00:51:53] Dejah: Yes. And her little accent. Oh, I love her. It's, it's very,

[00:51:57] Bethany Dement: it's very sexy.

[00:51:58] Dejah: I'm like, oh my God. It's like this low voice. Yes. But then, but she's like, she's known as like these, like sex, like couples, like they're sex therapist, right? Yes. Yeah. And

[00:52:06] Bethany Dement: her and her specialty is infidelity. Oh. Which is, yes. She's fascinating. I would just

[00:52:12] Dejah: like to say rest in peace. Dr. Ruth. Yes. Dr. Ru Treasure Chest taught me so many things.

That's what my dad calls me. He's like, wanna be Dr. Ru? Like,

[00:52:25] Bethany Dement: that wasn't good show. Yes.

[00:52:26] Dejah: Thank you. Thank you. My professionals. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

[00:52:29] Bethany Dement: Yeah. But I would say that's probably one of the biggest things, the biggest challenges is when couples, when they won't hear each other out. Because usually when it's just them, they let loose in my office, I mean, screaming to the top of their lungs, sometimes the less, yeah.

And I'm So you'd be doing your little dance to

[00:52:50] Dejah: deflate the conflicts?

[00:52:51] Bethany Dement: Jazz hands sometimes. Sometimes it is. It's like, it's like watching, it's almost like you're separating from yourself and watching a movie at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause you're just seeing all of this happen.

[00:53:02] Dejah: I can't, well, I always imagine that's a general, right, like couples therapy, but then especially bringing in the element of sex.

And since we as a society have just been so, like tightlipped, pun intended, where's Joe when you need him? Right. But since we've been so tightlipped about sexual experiences and sex and how, anyway, all the different, the multitudes of it, right? And like, it's not just for making babies bringing in that element that isn't talked about so openly whenever there's already a communication breakdown between a couple and then you add that layer onto it.

Like it's just like, where do you even

[00:53:36] Bethany Dement: start? Yeah. Well, and then you also add the element of, one of the other things I see is religious trauma. Oh,

[00:53:43] Dejah: bless.

[00:53:44] Bethany Dement: Yep.

[00:53:46] Dejah: Hashtag working on it.

[00:53:48] Bethany Dement: Yeah. Literally. Literally. Like, we, we need to take Jesus out

[00:53:51] Dejah: of the room. Yeah, yeah. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. Remove that shame that he's watching your every move.

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. No, I, boy, I absolutely get that. You know who Monty made her is? Yes. Yes. I love her. I met her a couple weeks ago and she gave, she gives the most amazing hugs, I would just like to say. And yeah, so of course obviously her background coming deeply, theologically, and from that religiously abusive background, I had that same shit growing up.

It was fantastic to be validated by someone

[00:54:18] Jen: like that who was like,

[00:54:20] Dejah: yes. That doesn't have to transmit into your personal life, into your relationships and or into your sexual life as well, because Yes,

[00:54:28] Bethany Dement: it really is holistically traumatizing. Yes, it is. As a, as a whole. And then it's like people are like,

[00:54:35] Dejah: oh.

[00:54:37] Bethany Dement: So this is what trauma is and I'm like, yeah, this is what trauma is.

[00:54:41] Dejah: And a lot of people don't understand that is a trauma. Yes. They don't recognize that. They think it's just a societal norm. Yes. Right. That you should feel such deep shame that you should consider and just so many reflect. It's a shame.

Guilt and shame. Guilt and shame. Guilt and shame. Guilt and shame. Yes. And yeah, it's quite sad. As part of that too, I would love just a first reaction to save yourself for marriage.

Don't you test

[00:55:10] Bethany Dement: the car out

[00:55:10] Dejah: right before you? Hell, yes. Especially that you're talking about like, because sex, you know, provide, obviously there's the orgasm part of it, but there is also a certain level of connection. Yes. That can only be gotten through physical intimacy. Mm-hmm. Yes. It doesn't have to be full on penetrative sex, but like some sort of physical, but you know, because to me, like intimacy is the key word though, right?

Just because to me. Oral sex is more intimate than like to vaginal intercourse. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. And I know that could vary for different people, but like, so to re Oh my God. The whole, so if this is such an important one of the pillars, I'm not saying it's the most important Yeah. But one of the pillars that is foundationally important for relationship, why the hell would you wait until you are legally bound to someone that you're supposed to spend and commit the rest of your life to before?

And again, it goes back to religion. Religion, you are nothing more than a vessel. Well, you are irrelevant and therefore your feelings on sex are irrelevant too. Ugh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Moving on past Jesus.

Yeah. But no, it's absolutely very true, and I know that's incorporated, especially, we're in the Bible Belt, baby. Oh yeah. We're in the south. Abstine is the only way. Absolutely. Meanwhile, the pastor's banging three different women, but, you know. Yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep. That was my Lutheran church I grew up in, but yeah, the at least it wasn't Catholic whole other issue there, Ohio, although not, not really because all the evangelicals and Baptists all had their lists released too, so they're all just as equally perverse.

Oh, you know what? I will say, I went years and years and years ago I went on an online date, or some guy I met online that he had been incarcerated. I didn't know this to begin with. Mm-hmm. That's why it's never bad to Google a person before you get on a date with 'em. Yep. But he went to, so we are in North Carolina in the triangle area and in the town of Wake Forest there is a seminary school and he had been in the seminary school.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it's been incarcerated for inappropriate things with one of the youth attendees there. Oh yeah. So again, Baptist Baptist too. Mm-hmm. Yes. You know, everywhere. Totally. Totally dated. Where are the, where I was engaged to a man who went to the seminary to become a Catholic priest. Well, glad that didn't work out.

Yeah, buddy. It wouldn't have anyway. 'cause his his mentor tried to teach him some things. Oh my. Yikes. Stopped becoming a Catholic priest, obviously, because we became engaged. Right. But yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. There is. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what denomination. Yeah. It doesn't matter what denomination there's going to be sexual shame.

Yes. And there's going to be more sexual shame directed at women and girls. Absolutely. Right. We carry the burden of sex. The burden of life. The fucking burden of it all. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. Well I even think like talking about like when you said earlier, I loved that you, you used the term sex positive and I would expect nothing less if I'm a sex therapist, but like I've even been trying to catch myself in things that I say, right?

Because we as a society, we're so eng my shirt, literally it has Santa on it, okay. Mm-hmm. But it says I do it for the host. Right. And so like just the verbiage that we use around Yes. You know, I was just talking to somebody the other day and we were talking about, you know, do you go through different phases in your life and like post-separation or divorce or whatever when you're younger in college maybe, or whatever.

And we were like calling it our hoe phase. Yeah. Again, just like the idea that that women, and I was actually talk to a guy about this and so, I mean, he was using it for himself too, like his ho phase, but like the idea that because you are. Having sex with different people. You know, you're not committed to one person that all of a sudden your pro your promiscuity is such a negative thing and that, you know, and like, it's all been put on women.

And so I've been trying, but listen, it's deep ingrained, right? Mm-hmm. Like, you don't even realize that you're saying these things, you know, but trying to, to change those, those kind of words and stuff where I can as well. But like, I really like the sweatshirt, so it's, I do it for the hose too. It's good.

Santa Claus with sunglasses on. Yeah. He says, I I have a month to wear it, so, yeah. Yeah. It's, I, it's, it's really hard, and especially in this area as what's uplifting to me is our younger generations who are now, they don't give a fuck. Mm-hmm.

[00:59:23] Bethany Dement: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. It's

[00:59:24] Dejah: beautiful. Yep. They don't give a care.

This whole, like the whole hate trans that like our younger, they're like, what? Why we don't, yeah. We don't fucking

[00:59:32] Jen: care.

[00:59:33] Dejah: Yeah. We just wanna be able to buy a house. You know, they're literally like, yeah. This whole like, oh man, gender, fuck. They, they just don't care. They've, they've really, that's why we're having this societal trend against having sex Now.

Less and less people are having sex now and mm-hmm. Going back to our previous dating coach, that's also increasing the incel population, fem cell population. Yes. We have this whole movement towards sexual autonomy, and again, social media is driving us apart. Right. So it's, it's kind of a interesting sexual revolution that's happening against sex.

We had the seventies and pro sex. Right. It's almost as if we're having, the younger generation is having like an anti-sex revolution, which is very interesting to me. That is interesting. Yeah. Yeah. They're statistically having less sex or engaging in less relationships. Yes. Like. Huh.

[01:00:30] Bethany Dement: Yep. And I mean, it's also the age has gone up for people who get married.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yep. Right? Yep. Yep. I mean, like, to be honest,

[01:00:38] Dejah: good. Yeah. Right. Like it shouldn't be such the measure of success that society has made it. Absolutely. And I was a part of that like right, like it changed now and I'm sure that's just 'cause the lens of divorce that got added to my glasses. Right. But like, anyway, speaking of our flirt coach, we did ask him a couple episodes before he departed because we knew we were gonna be speaking with you that as a flirt slash dating coach.

Like if he had a question for you as a sex therapist. And I thought about it for a couple seconds and he was like, yes. And he was like, I would ask her, how do you manage mix matched libidos in early dating? Yeah, that's a good question. I mean that's, especially I think for, I literally just had that problem because I'm in my sexual prime.

Right. So like I could just

[01:01:26] Jen: tear through a field,

[01:01:27] Dejah: right? Like she was telling me about some, somebody that came, this has been a little bit ago, but like, could came give you an estimate about tearing down your trees or something, like mm-hmm. Cut down your trees. And she was like, damnit, I could feel it 'cause I just wanna fuck everything.

I would rip that little man a bitch. But yeah. And then like, I tried to be intimate with someone who was like, in an opposite face. Yes. And I was like, oh, we're in different places. Yeah,

[01:01:54] Bethany Dement: yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, communication is a starter. Yeah, of course. That's the starting place. Right? And then sometimes I even talk about, okay, well what, what does your libido mean to you?

Right. Okay. When does it, when is it driving? Right. Is it around times where it's also stressful? 'cause that means sometimes that can increase certain things. Right. I also asked too, I'm like, so when you say the word intimacy, are you automatically thinking sex or are we talking about just intimacy where you're just holding your partner?

Mm-hmm. Because sometimes that gives that feeling. Yeah. That desire that we would like to be close to somebody doing those things. Even just the intimacy piece without the sex. Mm-hmm. Sometimes will help balance that. Yeah. Right. And if they are having issues, then it goes back to, let's talk to a sex therapist, let's communicate about these things.

Maybe there is a sensory issue. Right. 'cause I deal with a lot of people that are on the spectrum. Mm-hmm. Right. And that's part of the challenge, right? Yep. Yeah. The desire to be close to someone. Right. But also feeling like I get overwhelmed. Yeah. Yeah. And so we have to kind of figure out what's the middle ground.

[01:03:10] Dejah: Well, and especially with him talking about, like asking about early dating, right? Because the overall assumption is that if you're just starting out dating, you're wanting to be like talking like rabbits, right? Like that you're constantly wanting to rip your clothes off 'cause you're, it's just the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

Mm-hmm. You know? And so I think especially in nowadays dating or you know, maybe even in like later life dating, things like that, like, or, or mixed age range dating that's gotta be accounted for because, but again, it goes back to that, that communication piece of it. Because if you're expressing this or, or if you're not expressing that, then we're trying to operate on, again, the expectation piece that you, you mentioned earlier of not knowing, having our own internal expectations of what mm-hmm.

Level of sex or how many, the whole barometer of like. How many times a sex make a week, or you know, whatever, how many times are you having, like, what's the success or like, like how are you measuring that? Or what's enough sex like, you know, all that kind of stuff. Like just, but nobody but nobody's talking about it.

Mm-hmm.

[01:04:11] Bethany Dement: Absolutely. Well, and also too, the other thing that's rising is a lot of people are identifying as ace and they don't know it. Mm-hmm. And that also comes into the room.

[01:04:23] Dejah: Yeah. If you're pretending to be a sexual person that you're not. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Could you just let us know that you're pretending so we don't have to?

Yeah, literally

[01:04:36] Jen: that would be great. Literally.

[01:04:39] Dejah: Don't follow us. Ask.

Oh, that's a good, another good question too, the level of folks that you have, whether individually or as a couple that come in and talking about, like have you had someone that's been in a marriage and that has actually, that has always faked an orgasm?

[01:04:55] Jen: Oh, yeah. Or

[01:04:56] Dejah: even a relationship like, or that has, I've known those women.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. What do you say to them? Like, it's your fault. Like, I don't know. I don't wanna say that, like, I just say that jokingly, but

[01:05:10] Bethany Dement: honestly, my heart Yeah. Goes to that. Yeah. To not know that experience because I mean, obviously sex isn't pleasurable for you. It is in

[01:05:19] Dejah: fact. Yeah. It's obligation at that point upon you.

Yeah. Yeah. An expectation. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But that's the same as like, I mean, how many of our grandmothers and great grandmothers, it was the expectation. You're watching the dishes at the sink, your skirt might get flipped up. You're just gonna have to take it because you're being told that's your job.

[01:05:36] Bethany Dement: Yes. And then also with that, I can only imagine, imagine how sore they must feel. Especially when when you're going through, when menopause. Yep. And you're dry down there. Yep. It's like seeing Well, that's why the

[01:05:52] Dejah: divorce rate is so high. Absolutely. When women hit menopause. Absolutely. Oh yes, yes. It is the disruptor of marriage because there we, one, we don't talk about menopause.

Yes. Right. We're supposed to suffer silently. Yes. I don't know. Fucking weird since we all go through it, but the, the fact that men get no education on it. Absolutely. And then marriages are just torn apart because obviously the physically going back through fucking puberty again sucks. Well, it makes you crazy, but like if your, if your husband, your partner doesn't understand or can't have any sympathy for what you're going through, yes.

Oh, you're done. You're no longer communicating at all. You're on two separate planets.

[01:06:31] Bethany Dement: Yes. Like Yeah. Especially when one day she's ready to kill you, and then the next day everything's fine and dandy. Mm-hmm. Right. And she

[01:06:38] Dejah: wants to rip everything off you potentially like Yeah. Yeah. It could be all over the place.

[01:06:43] Bethany Dement: Absolutely. Absolutely. And most people don't even know that you can go through menopause up to like 14 years. Mm-hmm. Yep. That's crazy. I know.

[01:06:53] Dejah: Yep.

[01:06:53] Bethany Dement: I'm like, my God, just take it outta me

[01:06:55] Dejah: already. Like, huh. Oh, shit. Right. No, but at least now, I mean, now we've, we've moved forward and we have HRT, like it's far more prevalent.

Even just in the past, since the pandemic, I've noticed a dramatic increase in menopause commercials. Yeah. Like suddenly we matter. For those that don't know, super stoked, HRT is hormone replacement therapy, which is also there for men as well. Yes. Correct. Yes, correct. Men also don't realize that their testosterone drops and changes as they get older.

Yes. And that it also is a sexual aid to them to have their hormones balanced as well. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm.

[01:07:25] Bethany Dement: And I often will recommend that. That'll be one of the first things I do when I have somebody that's coming in that's experiencing erectile dysfunction and those things. Mm-hmm. I'm like, go get tech chat by your medical professional, because then at least I know then it might be something that is completely mental.

Rather than just also being medical or physical. Mm-hmm. Yes. You know, so, and

[01:07:45] Dejah: that is something that women don't always realize or recognize. If a man cannot get an erection, it, there could be just be shit going on. Yes. Up in his No. And it has nothing to do with you.

[01:07:55] Bethany Dement: And see my neurodivergent folks, my A DHD.

Right. I've had women who get distracted during sex. I've also had men. I also have seen a shift in a lot of men who have a DH, ADHD actually having low desire.

[01:08:09] Dejah: Mm. Which is a thing, but also that's a, that can be associated with the medications for a DH ADHD as well. Yes, yes. A lot of people don't understand a lot of the medications that they're on can be degrading of, of, of any type of libido.

[01:08:20] Bethany Dement: Two of the one, the biggest ones that I see are antidepressants. Mm-hmm. Which would be Lexapro.

[01:08:26] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[01:08:26] Bethany Dement: And Zoloft.

[01:08:27] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[01:08:28] Bethany Dement: Two of the ones that either I've had somebody who has been jacking off for like 45 minutes and still can't have. Still can't calm.

[01:08:35] Dejah: Yeah. Yeah. That's gonna say one thing I was gonna say that I know we've talked about the female experience a lot 'cause I don't mm-hmm.

We're all females, right? Yes. Joe. Joe, hey buddy. Yeah. If you,

[01:08:42] Bethany Dement: Joe

[01:08:42] Dejah: just hanging out.

[01:08:44] Joe: Do you wanna chime in in some sexual with,

[01:08:48] Dejah: but I think there, that's also like the expectation of men is that it's so easy for them to have an orgasm. Yes. And I have been with men who they've given me a heads up, which I appreciate honestly, because then I think as a female too, you're like, well fuck, this is supposed to be easy like for, to get you there.

So what? You know. But, so I think the heads up, think girl. I've also have men that have not given the heads up. I have a tank top that was made for me that says, no dick folding, no disrespect if you ever had the dick folding conversation. I have not. Okay. That's the, I have had two partners who could not get an erection, who fee thought that women have no feeling below and thought they could just fold it in half and shove it in there and somehow that they would then get erect and it would work.

Hence my tank top that says, no Dick Foing, no disrespect. It doesn't fucking work. No. Doesn't work like that. And the conversation would've been really super nice. Would've been great. But that is a legitimate thing. Military men, just throwing it out there Yeah. Doesn't work. Well, I'm just saying. And if, and if it's a night where like it's, you can't get an around like, that's okay.

It's okay. It's, it happens. It's a bodily function, I think. And again, because of society. Yeah. Absolute porn and all the things, men are just supposed to be able to like the wind blows and let's go. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's just not a reality either. And, and I think that, I can't speak for all women, but any wom woman that I've talked to, which is.

Everyone I've talked to about anything sexual, they've had that experience with a men where a man where he could not get an erection. And they've all been understanding and like we get it. Like it's okay. Like you, it's just not there tonight. And that's okay. Like it's, you know, it's, and so I feel bad for guys in that respect because I know that they are expected to always be able to just boop perform.

[01:10:28] Bethany Dement: And

[01:10:28] Dejah: that's,

[01:10:28] Bethany Dement: and that's not a thing. And last 30 minutes, right? Or all night

[01:10:31] Dejah: long is what they like to call. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna be real honest with you guys. No woman wants you to last all night long. No, no. I'm just kidding. No. Get

[01:10:39] Bethany Dement: off of me. No,

[01:10:41] Dejah: you have not given me an orgasm. I'm gonna say within 15.

We're, we're gonna call it. We're gonna, we're gonna, yeah. Come on. We're, let's tap it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. It's I mean, there could be very intimate things and very loving. 'cause there is a difference between just fucking mm-hmm. And then like, something that is much more romantic and sweet and like all the eye contact and just like the more like I don't intense petting, I guess.

Yes. Yes. Very sweet. Mm-hmm. Much more emotion behind it. And, and that's okay. We still don't want it to last all night long. No, no. We got some sleep to be had. I got rem rem cycles I gotta meet, man. Yes. Listen, we don't have time for these bags tomorrow morning. Like let Yep. Let's call it and go to sleep anyway, so all that to same men, like, don't be so hard on yourself in that respect.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like we get it. Again, it goes back to the communication piece. Like we know that medications can affect things, just shit going on in your life. Like if you're super stressed about work or if something going on with family or whatever, like it all affects all of us internally as well, you know?

Yeah. So hormones don't just affect women when it comes to sex and stuff. Like they affect

[01:11:43] Bethany Dement: men too. They absolutely do. They absolutely do. And I hate it because I'll have some men come in my office and you can just see the shame. Mm. The shame that comes with that. Right. Because they, some men can't even talk to their guy friends about it because they're all like, you know, you're supposed to be up on the job, right?

Mm-hmm. Like, you know, you're supposed to be doing it and hitting that and doing all the things and being able to brag about it. Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

[01:12:06] Dejah: Absolutely. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. There was a a, which you brought up military guys. There's a guy I did in the military and he was very, 'cause he's now outta the military, and he was very convinced that they were putting stuff in the food that affected his ability.

Mm. And I've mentioned that to other. Military. I didn't disclose any names or anything, of course, but like to other military guys, and they were like, yeah, I believe it. I 100% believe it. Yeah. Except the amount of money that we spend on Viagra for them then seems counterproductive financially. Mm. Yeah. But anyway yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, let's just, I don't know, stop drugging 'em either the way, I don't know. Right. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, just say something, don't fold it. More of the story, literally. Mm-hmm. Say something, don't fold it. Yep. Yep. Man. All right. We've covered a lot of different things here. More people, more problems money, more problems too.

Mm-hmm. How social media and just the digital world is affecting our sexual lives. Yeah. You said for better or worse, do you think there's a better component to it?

[01:13:07] Bethany Dement: I think in some ways it, it can be, right? Like I definitely think, obviously now that there. Paying porn stars, ethical porn. Right. They're setting standards for the industry, those kind of things like that. But also, you know, it, me personally, it's okay to watch porn. That's just my, my viewpoint. Yeah. Agree.

Not everybody agrees with that. Agree. I agree. Mm-hmm. But like if you're sitting there with your partner, right? And it is something that is arousing, it is eye catching. Right. And it does set the mood. That's okay. Mm-hmm. Because that's something y'all can share.

[01:13:42] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[01:13:43] Bethany Dement: Right? And those things like that. And I do think like porn serves a purpose, right?

'cause somebody who has never seen anybody have sex or hasn't had sex themself, they can sit there and go, okay, so that is at least what it looks like. The mechanic of it. Yeah. Right. Well,

[01:13:57] Dejah: and the sad thing is thinking about how many young people that is, how they learn about sex. Because there is no conversation at all at home.

Yes, yes. It is completely shame to even speak of it, right? Yes. And in our age. They can find it anywhere. So this concept that they're not gonna be able to see it, right? Yes. So yeah, it is, it is sad that that's the, a lot of people, that's their first education about s sex comes from porn, which then leads to the distortions that we brought up earlier.

But Yes. Yeah. I mean, I absolutely, they, it can spice it up, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Go in. We used to go to the,

[01:14:31] Jen: the Adam and Eve and you'd buy a VHS in your brown bag and you'd go out together. Don't you temp me

[01:14:37] Dejah: with a good time? Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Now you can just, you know, go online and pull it up and, you know, if there's something you, if you have an open and healthy communication, you can talk about adding things into your relationship.

Yeah, absolutely. Those are great examples of how you as a couple could do things. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. But that's back to that whole communication part. Well, and there's also other like, educate, there's like card games now that you can buy that are a lot of fun. Yes. You can go from like, just asking questions as a level of connection to then, like more spicy stuff.

Mm-hmm. But then also like. Call me crazy, but learning about things like my, I don't, sorry, do you hear me about to shout you out or put you on the spot? But like he, my brother growing up still is into zodiac signs and he also had a book that it was about like erogenous zones and zodiac signs, and I remember reading that and I was like, this is so interesting.

And to be honest, thinking about my Zodiac and what it depicted as heterogeneous zones, it's not wrong and pleased. For our listeners that may not know what a ous zone is, do you mind educating

[01:15:42] Bethany Dement: an heterogeneous zone is just kind of like where you can also feel those sensations, right? Those zones that definitely turn you on.

And some of those places are not just like your private areas, right? Exactly. Yep. Right. Yeah. And so your neck, right, that's a very common one. Mm-hmm. A lot of people like being touched there and it can also come from different types of touch. That's one of the things I work on a lot with my clients is some of my neurodivergent folks love a deeper touch.

Mm. Right. They want someone that's gonna hug them and really embrace them. Right. And so like touching those areas in those zones. Right. They're so effective.

[01:16:20] Dejah: Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it's

[01:16:21] Bethany Dement: taking the time to learn those

[01:16:23] Dejah: things. Yep.

[01:16:24] Bethany Dement: Right,

[01:16:24] Dejah: right. Yeah. But yeah, I just thought that, but so take, but learning that one just about myself.

'cause obviously when I was first reading this book, and obviously I'm single now, so I still don't have anybody to like, be like, oh, let me flip, lemme flip through and figure out what their zodiac sign is, what their rod stones are. But but I remember then after reading that, then paying attention to if I was, so I'm a Libra, mine were like very upper in the area between your neck and your shoulder.

But kind of your upper back area. Hmm. That a very light touch there, or extreme lower back, like just above your ass. Mm-hmm. That those were, and I was like, what? No way. I'll be damned. Mm-hmm. You like, I will get chills, like all up and down my body. Like if, if it, if it's touched the right way. Unreal. Unreal.

So like, learn about your ERO zones. Mm-hmm. There's a thing to it. Highly encourage if you actually want your partner to be willing know your partner. Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yep. Ask, ask and tell. Mm-hmm. And tell hell yeah. Oh, okay. Of course, you're gonna be receptive to someone who's going to provide you the pleasure that you personally desire.

Yeah. Just makes logical sense. Have you open to feedback? Like, don't, oh man. I know it's such a prideful thing and I'm just looking at you and your expression of like, but I, I mean, so I take it you see that often, like people, it's hard for folks to take feedback of maybe either they f. Maybe their partner couches and you're doing it wrong, or I don't, I don't know, but like a different way maybe that they wanna be touched or however,

[01:17:57] Bethany Dement: gentlemen, please, please.

And not, there are some women, they also can't take feedback. It's not just men. Mm-hmm. Yes. But a lot of men come through my office, please, please be more open to feedback, and also you are gonna get more pleasure and so much positivity out of the moment when you do please her. Mm-hmm. When she says, Hey, just move your finger over to the right.

You're gonna see so much of a result. Mm-hmm. Instead of that moment of thinking, oh my god. I'm messing up. I'm fucking up. Yeah. I don't know what to do. And then start spiraling. It's, it's not about that. Not really.

[01:18:35] Dejah: Like my ex-husband. It would just then be silent treatment for two days. Oh, yes. Oh yes. Okay.

[01:18:41] Bethany Dement: Yes. Okay, got it. So, so I get both sides. So I get the, I get the tantrum.

[01:18:44] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[01:18:45] Bethany Dement: Right? Mm-hmm. So where it's either the shutdown or it's like, how dare you? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[01:18:53] Dejah: But to that end, to your point of like knowing. Well, knowing your partner or learning about your partner, but also learn about yourself.

Mm-hmm. Yes. 'cause you can't communicate to them what you do and don't like. And what I if, if, if your partner gets off on getting you off, you gotta know how to get you off. Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm. There's a whole lot of getting off happening, we hope. But like, you've gotta be able to know or learn or be open.

Maybe you don't discover it until one particular partner does a particular thing and then you're like, oh shit, that was nice. You know? But, you know, so learn for yourself too. Speaking of putting things in things I'm gonna ask you a question here. Very serious question on this topic for sure. Is a hot dog, a sandwich

Is a, is a slab of meat between two buns. You stop describing English. I let her think. I was thinking more sexual related. I'm sliding into your bone, girl.

[01:19:43] Bethany Dement: I say technically speaking. No, it's not. It's not. But also. Hot dog. Technically a sub.

[01:19:57] Dejah: Correct. But hold on. It's not a hogie bun though. See then we're getting into bread

[01:20:04] Bethany Dement: discernment.

Exactly. Exactly.

[01:20:05] Dejah: Mm-hmm.

[01:20:07] Bethany Dement: I mean, maybe not considered a sandwich because it's like on the sides versus it out two pieces of separate bread. But see, to

[01:20:14] Dejah: me, a sub is just another type of sandwich. A hoagie is, but is a hot dog sub. Right? Here. My stance is that a hotdog is a type of sandwich. I listen, it is a lonely island, but I still, I will, this is, this is the fucking petty hill that I want.

Buy respect, mad respect, mad respect. We talked about these things before. Mm-hmm. But because I just, it, to me, a sandwich is such a broad category, and then you've got these different things. Just like there are all kinds of whiskeys, there's scotch, there's bourbon, there's Irish, they're all whiskeys. But they, they have their different little subsections.

But some

[01:20:50] Joe: people would say, if the, you have me some bourbon and you give 'em whiskey, they're like, that's not bourbon.

[01:20:53] Dejah: That's right. Mm-hmm. Wait, repeat that. I'm sorry. I was so flabbergasted by hearing your voice during this episode then I it myself,

[01:21:03] Joe: now I got an opinion. No, I was saying like if you ask some guys, like if I went to a bar and ordered a scotch and they gave me whiskey, I'd be like, that's not what I ordered.

[01:21:10] Dejah: Yeah. But scotch is a whiskey.

[01:21:12] Joe: Sure.

[01:21:13] Dejah: Do you, you, do you guys bour say, say, I want scotch whiskey,

[01:21:16] Joe: itb, but it don't taste the same. Bourbon is a type

[01:21:17] Dejah: of whiskey Yes. From a specific region. Mm-hmm. Right? Just like scotch is a specific whiskey from a certain region. Champagne. So they're all whiskeys champagne, right?

Well, no, champagne only comes from Champagne, France. America just says, fuck you friend France. That's what I'm saying, because bourbon only comes from Kentucky.

[01:21:32] Joe: I was, I wasn't making a case for right or wrong. I was just saying, some people are gonna complain about it if you, if you ordered it. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. There's gonna be, there's gonna be a fight about that too. Is, is whiskey and bourbon the same thing? Well, hopefully

[01:21:42] Dejah: your bartender says what kind. Yeah, because like to your point about champagne, champagne is a type of sparkling wine, but there are not multiple kinds of champagne, right? Because it's regional.

Right. Mm-hmm. But it's still a type of wine. Mm-hmm. Just like a hot dog can be a type of sandwich.

[01:21:56] Bethany Dement: Yeah.

[01:21:57] Dejah: But you know what guys? The clitoris is always in the same spot. In fact, never hides just the moral of the story. Always Right there under that hood, guys just saying. So that's what needs to be taught in sex education, correct?

The diagram? Correct. Alright. What is, here's a, here's a roadmap. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What's the last song that got stuck in your head? I don't know if you remember what you put. I do Under The Influence by Chris Brown. I'm very real honest. I don't know that I've Is that like a new song? No, no.

Oh, that's an older song. Maybe I knew, I would know if I heard it. We'll play with it. It's on my

[01:22:35] Bethany Dement: TikTok algorithm. Oh, okay. And I'm like, I'm like, and I was singing, that's funny. I was singing it like at the edge of session one day. I was like, oh. And they were like. What

I'm like it's where we're at today.

[01:22:47] Dejah: That's awesome. I love it. That's one of the premises of why this podcast got started because I wake up all the time with songs stuck in my head. Oh, this morning I woke up with, what are you listening to about Chris Stapleton? Stuck in my head. I don't, I can't even tell you how many times.

Right. Said Fred, I'm too sexy. It's just in my mind. What a fantastic song. Fuck yeah, guys. Yeah. That's why you married yourself Dreams. Damn. Straight. I'm telling you. Self point. That's awesome. Okay. What's the last thing that made you go, Hmm. I love your answer to this.

[01:23:17] Bethany Dement: This question. Yes.

[01:23:18] Dejah: Yes. Well, but you put more I did.

[01:23:23] Bethany Dement: Oh, yeah. The, the skills to have.

[01:23:26] Dejah: Yes. Does it take more skill to have sex on a water bed? I'm gonna go with. Yeah, I agree. You've gotta be able to Absolutely. I mean, maybe speaking from experience. Yes. But like with the waterbed, I think more people are just like, oh, it just naturally gives you the motion. It does not, yeah.

It gives you a motion that you've gotta counteract. Exactly. Make sure you're doing the right motion. It doesn't do the motion for you. And I'm like,

[01:23:49] Bethany Dement: what do, what do I do with the guys that have a hard time finding the hole and then they get on a water bed? Oh, can you imagine? I don't want to.

[01:23:58] Dejah: And changing positions.

Changing positions. Everyone's flailing. Yes.

[01:24:03] Jen: Oh my God. It's fucking hard on the seven Cs up in this bitch.

[01:24:12] Dejah: Oh, Joe, have you ever had sex on a.

Nope. Nope. Still not on. All right. Come on. Joe. Doesn't think so. I'm trying to remember.

[01:24:23] Joe: There was, there was a brief period when my wife and I stayed at my house after we got married. So I got married super young. Mm-hmm. My wife and I came back after the honeymoon and stayed at my house and I can't remember if I had a water bed or not.

Huh. I, I did in high school, was

[01:24:40] Dejah: this before 1998?

[01:24:44] Joe: It was 99. I was like, there's a high probability there was a water paper bomb. Yeah. I don't, I don't remember if there was or not. I feel like I like era things because that's a, that's a thing that I think is weird that people would remember.

[01:24:58] Dejah: Absolutely. I, yeah.

Terrible sex in a water bed is terrible. Know? Yeah. They get so hot so quickly too. Oh. Anyway, just what the fuck? Your body just it all over the place waiting to pop something like it reminds be Deja. And I traveled to Jamaica last summer for her birthday and you know, out in the dude that was the roped summer.

No, it is 2026 last summer. Oh yeah, that's right. We're in the future. Yes. So, you know, and they have the roped off areas where you can swim and stuff, and then they've got these circular little like mesh floats that you can get in and stuff. Yes. And so that's just you. You get into it, but then you're still submerging the water so you're just flailing all over the place.

And that's all it makes me think about. Just think that is an accurate representation of waterbed sex. Yes. Just being in those flotation devices in the ocean. Absolutely. Yes. Just big, you kind look like, just like

[01:25:50] Bethany Dement: flailing. Then can you imagine. All the couples that got high oh, oh. And had sex on the waterbed.

It's like, but did they, that's a good question. That's a good question. Did they make it all the way?

[01:26:03] Dejah: Oh, God. One gets flopped out. You know, it happens. Well, that's something like with, with THC, like, TH cries me out in every sense of the word. Oh. So if there is any inclination or desire for me to do the horizontal tango bumping some uglies later on, I, there's no way.

'cause it, I don't care if it's gummy form, powder form, whatever it, it is Desha Desert. Mm. So thank God they make lube. Yeah, I know. That's right. True. Mm-hmm. Water based. Yep. Well, okay, we're gonna stop braiding you with questions now. We literally, we could, we could just keep this going, man. This has been fantastic.

Yeah. I hope listeners, you laughed, you took away some things. You agreed you learned something. I hope it opens up sexual dialogue for you, honestly, if, if you haven't had that before. And if you need to open sexual dialogue and you can be seen by Beth in this area. Again, we are located in the triangle, the Raleigh Durham carry area of, of North Carolina, but.

You can, I know you do you do virtual as well? Yes. Okay. I was gonna say in this day and age, I bet you do. Yes. But your client has to be in North Carolina, correct. They don't have to be in your town, but they have to be in North Carolina in order for you to see them. Correct? Correct. 'cause I'm

[01:27:18] Bethany Dement: only licensed in North Carolina.

There you go. If I was licensed in other states, that's a different story. Gotcha. Cool. Cool.

[01:27:23] Dejah: Okay. So that being said, if folks do, would like to get in contact with you and be like, you know what, I got a whole lot of sex talking I need to do and figure some shit out. Beth, how, what is a best, I've got a poly cool that needs working out.

How do they contact you? Yes. What

[01:27:36] Bethany Dement: is the best way for them to reach out and get started with you? They can definitely reach out to me on my website and put in an inquiry in, it's at hidden growth counseling.com and they can definitely reach out and I will definitely get back to them.

[01:27:48] Dejah: Sweet.

[01:27:49] Bethany Dement: Awesome.

[01:27:49] Dejah: Well, Beth, any last parting words of wisdom for folks on this topic before we close it out?

[01:27:58] Bethany Dement: Embrace who you are. Embrace yourselves and also don't be afraid to share that. Good advice. Love that. Good advice.

[01:28:11] Jen: Mm-hmm. Well,

[01:28:12] Bethany Dement: buddy,

[01:28:13] Jen: your

[01:28:13] Dejah: turn to close this out. Alright, y'all may, maybe my sexual, maybe my word for 2026 is just gonna be six.

Two, six too 60. No, I would say I am going to piggyback on the love thyself. And if you wanna love your neighbor, get consent and Yes. But first, first and foremost, absolutely love selves. Be able to give yourself an orgasm before you expect someone else to be able to give you an orgasm. Know and love your own body and know and love yourself knowing that you don't have to have someone else.

Yes. But if you are in a place to wanna open yourself for that ramble talk. And with that love you guys. Go get those O's.